Friday
Well i got dresses up went out and had some fun. I went to the Market Street Grill... mmm ate swordfish... it was really good :) Then was off to Zoolander can i tell you how funny this movie was. We were 20 minutes late so i didn't see the begining of it, but i will see this one again. Then was just taken home and was ready for bed around 12:30 it was wierd.

Saturday
I feel as though i need to do some explaining.... for all those that got emails from me on saturday with 'i wish you sunrays and saturdays' there was meaning behind it. Well there's a song by Vertical Horizon titled 'sunrays and saturdays' off of the album running on ice anyways this pretty much explains what i'm feeling. But for those that have known me more than six months you know who this applies to. It goes like this...
Open the window
let the sunset in
if only for the last time
let me see you smile again
i'll take my records
you can have your books
i'm sorry i never read them
but it says so much about us
always trying
to make love out of care
the perfect recipe
but something wasn't there
And i wish you sunrays and saturdays
perfect starry nights
sweet dreams and moonbeams
and a love that's warm and bright
Sunrays and saturdays
friendship strong and true
oceans of blue and a room with a view
to live the life you choose
You'll write me letters
I'll call you on the phone
a wire away from touching
and never quite alone
we'll get to know ourselves again
and we'll heal out hearts
it's not that we're bad together
we're just better off apart
always trying
to have one and one make two
and even though it never worked
i still feel love for you

Anyways Saturday night was spent with someone new... Ryan a man with many stories.. i laughed my ass off.

Sunday
as far a today is concerned i'm just relaxing... hoping James will call because i honestly want to do something with him tonight... anyways i just though i'd inform everyone what was going on

I'm sick.... i have felt sick fo rthe last hour and well i think that i'm going to go home... my tummy just really hurts... and i just want to feel better... goodnight kids

Song: Big Blue Sea Artist: Bob Schneider Album: Lonelyland

I know i'll never know nobody
better than i know myself
but i can't even figure out
just what the fuck i'm all about

Why is it that when you went to jr high back in the day you always got a new pair of shoes for the first day of school. and you couldn't wear them until that day. Yet now i don't thinking i've gotten a new pair of shoes since 99'. This is insane. Also at this time period, back in the day, i found you always had clean clothes or new clothes, you always had food around the house, and well i've just found how rapidly times have changed.

I've been thinking about that for a while now and i guess this is just saying that i wish i had a new pair of shoes... for the fact that i could still live in that carefree life.

Also last night i felt safe. I think that's why i like to have other people sleep with me... to feel safe. this is not to say that i was taken advantage of at a young age, because that's not the case. I have just always had someone to sleep, at least in the same room, with me. I have shared a room for ever than about 3 years ago Mindie got married and i haven't shared a room with someone. (well there has been an exception... but we wont get into that) 3 years ago on Oct 3rd.. how strange.. hmmm. Anyways i like to have people sleep with me. it's not the cuddling that i like, well i like the cuddling it's just not the reason why i like to have people sleep with me. It's the security of someone else. I think that's why i also don't like to go places by myself...

Oh going out tonight... i'm excited, i like not knowing were i'm going. It was my understanding that me, mom, and myke were going to Outback Stake House... but that fell through and now i'm going out with James :) I love going out with him... it makes my day better, which is always a plus.

I love danger... things that are risky... things that you might get dirty looks for... or my life being at risk in certain situations. Does this make sense? (smiliesteph@hotmail.com)

Alright i need to go off. (Kat this will piss you off) So yesterday on the front page of the Salt Lake Tribune is an announcement that the congressional districts have been re-drawn. Well it's, as you had expected, district 2... the only democratic territory. The Utah State Legislature put the boundary lines at 700 East making down town split. Pretty much making it almost impossible to get another democratic congressman. Sometimes i hate republicans. They can't just accept the fact that Salt Lake City is become more diverse... what's going to happen in Feb. these mormons are going to go crazy. Also everyone coming into Salt Lake will because all of the public establishments here are no smoking... and everywhere else in the country is half and half... This is really going to fuck with peoples heads. I was walking out to my car, with James, when i saw a sign in front of the stadium that said... 'this is a no smoking facility' crazy!!!

I want to go camping!

Song: I don't know what i can save you from Band: Kings of Convenience Album: Quiet is the New Loud

You called me after midnight
it must have been three years since we last spoke
i slowly tried to bring back to image of your face from the memories so old...
I don't know what i can save you from...
I asked you to come over and with in half an hour you were at my door

'holy shit' these guys are good. They are from Norway and just have a way of a different type of music... i like it a lot. I mean good god they are just talented... that's all.

the last line i quoted because this is the relationship that i want. The if i really just wanted him to come over and talk... he would be there. I guess all of this music that i listen to reflects what i'm feeling.. so me listening to slow music is just the music that i can relate to. I don't know what i'm trying to say... sorry

Have you ever had one of those secret crushes that.. well you used to work with the guy.. one thing leads to another and you don't really talk to him again... alright this is all about 2 years ago... I pick up the phone here at work and he was on the other line, looking for Aaron (my brother-in-law) calling about his suit that was lost, but now found... now i'm shaking... didn't expect to talk to him today. Probably wont talk to him again but it's just one of those things that catches you off gaurd.

trippy

Fortune cookies are for the birds...

Cheerful Company and a Merry time are ahead for you

How generic can these things be

Song: Strange Band: Built to Spill

This strange...
How much more can i take
this strange day is almost over
just started to get sick of it

So just got out of a bitch of a test... my hand is all cramped. And i know i wrote a C grade paper. So if i'm angry when i get it back you will all know it's because i actually got this C on this paper.

Anyways i had a realization when i was sitting in bed last night, a waiting sleep... I was thinking about love. This was not because of the thought that 'i'm in love' but the fact that it exists. The strange thing is that no one really says that what you are feeling is called love... you just assume that this pit in your stomach is love. The thing that is messing with my head is... if no one has told you exactly what love is how can so many people have this emotion and use the same term for it, but with everyone it means something different. Yet you assume that when someone says 'I love you' it's taken as the same definition as you have. yet everyone looks at love through different eyes. I can say that i love walking in the snow, because i do it makes me feel happy inside. But i could also say that 'i'm falling in love with someones' is two different things. I wish language was not so complicated.

i'm stressed.

I can up to school to get some studying done when my mind wonders to other places... i need to focus. I'm just thinking about different things. So i tell myself when i get done with 2 out of the 5 questions i'll head up to the union to grab a bit to eat. Well as you guessed it by the time i get done with two of them the unions already closed... arg!!!
well now i just need some nutrition so maybe i'll just head home and do the other outlines there... but then i wont focus there either... i'm screwed... that's just it.. screwed.
It looks like i'll be waking up early in order to review some more... and well i want to sta out later than usual tonight so maybe it's just time to pull the first all nighter of the semester... and just do everything i want to do. well i might get a couple of hours... that's smart.. okay to bed by one than wake up at 5 that will work... that'll work just fine.
'Catch ya on the flip side'

Head on over to Ryan's site... (rmf.8k.com) i just laughed my head off reminded of that christmas movie. But for some reason i can't really remember the name of it now... hmmm. While your there check out the 'check this out' on the 21st... teehee

I got a song for today... don't worry
Song: Hidden track... sorry no title that i know of Artist: Duncan Sheik Album: Humming

Maybe i will turn away
maybe you will run
just maybe i'm fore shadowing
what's to come

Good example of my feelings...

Wow this post was complicated to get to this morning. Sorry about the lateness. Anyways so i wrote a paper, one that i thought i did badly on, while in ruff draft stage i let James touch it up hoping to make things all better. Anyways i tried to touch up James's but needlesstosay his english skills are much better than mine. So i didn't do much to his. But we got them back today in class. And i got an A which is wonderful... but James on the other hand recieved praise.. praise for a ramble on paper. Yeah i'm proud of him i just feel like he's just better than i am. To be honest i like it that he's smarter than i, but sometimes it's like he just goes over my head.

Oh i'm not really listening to music today... i don't really feel like it. For all that know me music is what keeps me sane, so me not listening... is just kind of crazy.

Went star gazing last night. It was fun even though some things lead into other things... which i was glad about. We don't kiss to much anymore. Which is wonderful, but yet we still get into 'those' situations. We talked a couple of days ago and think came to one ot two conclusions... no exclusive, which has it's points... I'm not really in the mood to go through details.. but hey email and maybe i'll go off then. (smiliesteph@hotmial.com)

I miss people. I mean i miss talking to Dereck, a resently talking to Chris [Bogus] i guess it's just one of those things... i would like to hear what's going on with them... so anyone... anyone that talks to the above mentioned people, let them know.

I have no money... besides the fact the i just got paid... still no money. How i wish that things would work out in my favor all the time. For some reason i think that with this whole James things... that i have been shorted... okay not shorted, just not shared feelings which to be honest sucks like a whore...(teehee now i'm just sitting at my desk laughing...) anyways I'm hungry with only Chili Cheese Fritos to hold me over until i get home.. and well i'm getting hungrier by the minute (is hungrier a word?)
Anyways as for the rest of today is concerned i have a papar to write a test to study for and well i just left a message on 'ones' machine so maybe i'll go out tonight also :)

Song for today has changed....
Proceed with Caution Band: The New Amsterdams
Proceed with caution from here on in...
the odds are in your favor

eating muddybuddy chex mix... hmmm

I think that i need to go out tonight... but where. I honestly wish that i got asked out more. i mean despite the obvious. I like to get called up and asked what i was doing, than leading to well would you like to go out tonight... have no idea where i'm headed to. Go home, take some time to get ready... then actually go out. Not just well i'm coming over, lets think of something to do... blah blah blah blah blah...
I don't know... i just don't know were life will take me next.

Song: Winter Band: Sister Hazel Album: Fortress
If i hurt you than i hate myself
i don't wanna hate myself
don't wanna hurt you...
I wont be anyone's excuse to cry

Life is the shits today... yesterday... etc.
comments? (smiliesteph@hotmail.com)

Well he's okay... he called came over and we talked, which was fine. After he left though i drove... around.

massive amounts of flags, 6 seven-elevens, 3 fire stations, 2 malls and a court house later i found myself coming to one thought... That i'm not being used. i'm not saying that i have thought that i was, i haven't. I just had to think through this love that i have and make sure that i was being rational. I'm also not saying here that i'm not afraid to be hurt, because with relationships comes pain... i'm just not scared to be used. I have honestly been used my whole life, and not only by men... sexually. But by family members more emotionally, friends also the same. I am willing to give him anything that i have to make him happy. even if it's holding his hand in a movie when i'm not really in the mood. Or if it's going over because he doesn't want to be sitting in bed alone. I think this is how things have gotten confusing. When did i cross this line, and why can't i go back? why do i miss him when he's not around? Please help and answer some questions...

I'm scared....
One that was supposed to be home yesterday... still is not home. and this person was the one driving. Do i have reason to be concerned? Or is this just the girl that is based around tragedy inside of me? I wish that i understood what's going on with him...
Okay i must inform all of you that on Thursday i told him that i loved him... with no response he went home and i sat on the front porch and thought some things through... was it right for me to say that even though i knew that it was not returned? Does this make things strange between us now? And why is it that with this one i'm much more sure of my feelings... maybe that's why i'm concerned that i can't find him. Maybe i'm not supposed to find him. Maybe it's one of those things were i shouldn't talk to him for a couple of days because by doing this i have just done something stupid. I know that i told myself that now was a time to reflect upon my own feelings. To start to understand myself. But why is it that ever time i think to do this i get involved with someone? Why, all of sudden, my life has gotten so confusing? I don't really lead a stressful life, but for some reason i'm more stressed out than i have been in a long time.

Constants aren't so constant anymore

I have a tooth :)

I'm at home and watching a movie... a funny movie nonetheless. Anyways i wish that i understood people. People are just hard to understand sometimes. I still don't know why i wasn't invited.. but it's strange i think. Have you ever wondered why is it that you write this shit down every day... day in... day out. It's strange how you still get replies from people though. I guess what i'm trying to say here is that i could just continue on as normal things would go... or i could actually talk about things that apply to me. And apply to my life. which is what i do write it's just that everything has to apply to everyone else... as to make things interesting...
Sorry guys... just one of those moods

You wont find me i'm going M.I.A.
- foo fighters

So there was an episode with me and one flower flying off of stairs yesterday. In the hands of the one women who i did not want to see myself being first, or second as this ritual is concerned.
It was nice to see all the people who i haven't seen for about 3 years... 3 years crazy, where has the time gone since one party about that long ago?
Also as far as yesterday was concerned i didn't get very much sleep... woke up late for class this morning... sat through about 35 minutes of traffic on one road... and am so tired i could just sleep the rest of the day.
Yesterday i felt so strange... I have never felt so crude... I know that doesn't make sense to all of you... u guess it's because i felt so strange... even though i felt so 'good' at the same time. If anything it was 'us' that made it happen. 'Us' that made me feel bad. The 'us' that isn't really an 'us' because i'm the one with the emotion. (i'm trying to be ambiguous as possible so...) I'm the one who knows what she wants, yet i'm the one that is staying here.... alone with my thoughts for the next couple of days... am i crazy. I need to get out this weekend to not think of this... to not want what i know i can't have...

What a stressful day.
Ended up buying Heather a sandwich maker... teehee
But so i'm up here at the U and well the study group was today. Then to a quick stop at the wedding, to a place where they are not give alcohol or food for that matter... then out to the movies. i guess it's just stressful because it's been a full day. usually i'm not busy at all... but i look cute so that's all that matter... arg!

Song: Red Letter Day Band: Get Up Kids Album: something to write home about
Your just a phase
i've gotten over any how
it's over
I'm not giving in again
I guess it's just one of those things that you're not really applying to your life right now... it's more that you are letting it out from things in the past.

Driving on Foothill Blvd. and got cut off 6 times... no joke six time, in about a 20 minute period. The thing i hate about moving back home is this massive drive that i have to make in the morning. Normally it would've only taken about 5 minutes to get to school... but now, oh now, it takes about 30 minutes... shit.

The first of my friends is getting married today. I no longer have a childhood. I think it's just that i realize that we are all getting older, and to be honest it scares the crap out of me. I mean if i found 'the one' for me, i wouldn't fear getting married and starting my life. But as for now is concerned i'm not emotionally stable enough to totally support someone else. Does that make sense?

I wish that i was really good at talking to people. Me blogging is much different than actual conversation. There is some many more things that i think about, that just don't quite make it into normal conversation. Yeah i could talk to a wall for hours but it would be about nothing. i think this is way i get along with so many people. But as far as deep emotions are concerned i think that i let on a little harder than i am. James can prove this one. When i'm with him it's like i have nothing to say. Yet if he were to receive and email from me it would be long and thought out... some what different... okay a lot different.

I think it's time to kick back relax and enjoy the show

I went to Amy's to drop her off a pack of smokes, because she doesn't want to get off her lazy ass and go get some... how funny.
I took I-15 to get there though, and can i say DAMN! I got from 2100 South all the way to 9000 South in like 10 minutes... arg, i actually like driving on the freeway now.

As the comment before were mentioned... i didn't really want them answered... but thank to all those that did. I guess it's one of those things that lead people into talking about different things.

The strange shit that's running through my head is past relationships.... did you know that you were supposed to be with that person for X amount of time. Or could have you not seen yourself with them the rest of your life. And why for some reason did that not scare you at the time... There i go with all these questions again... but these are i really would like answers too... so keep them comin'

Is it bad to avoid someone because you know that if you help them they will just start to take advantage of you?
Also is it wrong to get in a fight with ex-boyfriend, who works at the bank, because he disagrees with the song for today?
Do you start to like someone because you have nothing to lose, or should you start liking someone because your not affraid to lose?
Do you go to seven eleven and witness a car wreck... the people that hit the truck just pulled away, and not do anything about it?
Do you let things phase you?
Do you think that you weren't invited because you have school, or it because it's not your place?
What is with all of this 'good vs. evil' trash?
Is Mountain Dew and Spicier Nacho Doritos supposed to mix well together?
Who holds all the cards, or atleast the ones that are important, like Aces and Jacks?
So many questions... no answers (smiliesteph@hotmail.com)

Song: Girl Inside My Head Band: Blues Traveler Album: Bridge
The question isn't if.. but
How hard will it be if she is nice to me?
How bad will it get if i let her get to know me?
Should she see the willing dog or should i be a jungle cat?
And most of all my god how does she make her eyes do that?

I really don't need another guy in my head. We don't 'watch' the movie...

Anyways so i had to haul ass to class this morning, i left home at the time that i would've left home before... yeah it's confusing i know, i guess it's just on of those things.
So i drove to work this morning and realized that i have a study group tomorrow and then i made this mental note in my head and tried to remember if it was today or tomorrow and i kept switching back and forth between the two. Finally i had decided that it really was tomorrow as i had originally thought.
I didn't get my coffee this morning... i'm sleepy i think i must run to the local seven eleven and pick me up one.... mmm coffee.
Why is it that people got to seven eleven and buy actual food, usually it's down/up the street from an grocery store, yet people would rather pay 1 dollar more for milk and bread (not even good bread) just because it's there...

I wish i had this trait

She never gets wet
She smiles and it's a rainbow
And she speaks and she breathes
I wanna be Kate

Or i guess had someone that thought of me with these trait, maybe more verbalize these traits... does that make sense?

I'm now over at lyrics.com to find something for writing so now i will just give you random quotes... i love music

so please hand me the bottle,
I think I’m lonely now
and please give me direction,
I think the hurt set in and I don’t feel nothing

I just got in one of those don't talk to me, moods. i think the only reason is that my Dad came into work... why is it that i let one person just make day become trash. I should not be this flighty. But the thing is that if i talk to one person i become happy again... why is that?

So I ate this sandwich about 5 minutes ago and have decided that i hate hard bread. That's just what subway is... hard bread. The people there are pretty cool, but the bread... no go. Maybe this is just one of those things that you should just not go and do any more.
Speaking of things to do... I finally met someone that had also heard the Hoggle Zoo commercial. I think that it's wonderful that i don't have to lead a life full of writing cheesey gingles... thank god i was not inspired. *sigh*
email? (smiliesteph@hotmail.com)

Song:Free Artist: Train Album: self-titled
They call me free
But i call me a fool

I'm excited to write a paper. What someone actually wanting to do an assignment, this should not be! It's a writing assignment due on the 27th. It's about taking a song, any song, apart and putting it back together. Stating the argument that the writer is trying to get across, the claim, who it's directed to, why was it writen. The cool thing about songs is that any one person can take a different idea and pull it into something else. There are some songs i've always wanted to take apart and figure out what the guy is trying to say. (I say guy because, as you all know, i hate female singer or even female song writers for that matter) Anyways so i think this is one of those papers where you start on it early and get all caught up in it that you can't really get the point across that you are trying to. But hey that's the name of the game... to get your point across.

So last night i have never felt more insufficate. I just felt showed up. I have a smaller vocabulary, I think that he's just smarter at puting words into sentences (you can't really tell with average speech, but as far as typing things down... he's wonderful) I on the other hand have a problem just saying anything what so ever. It's like i can't get the right words out and no matter how hard i try i just can't explain to him.... explain to him what i think (the word think is almost one of those play on words type of things so if you are getting several ideas into your head... that was ment to happen). I'm kind of glad that he's going out of town for the weekend, because it gives me some time to think things over. it sucks that the feelings are not the same for both of us, sometimes i don't understand what he wants... what i want. Yeah i could just say that i can just keep with the same pass... not going in either direct, but hell i just don't understand myself in this situation... how can i expect someone else to understand. I think it's funny that i ask why all the time, with him. Then when the why question is put back into my face i can't really do anything about it, then i understand why he couldn't answer the why question.

I'm just not good at keeping things were they are, and the funny thing is that if he were to invite me with him i would go an be happy to go. And if he didn't than i would understand that it's time to spend... alone with his friends. Life is weird and sometimes i guess i just can't fix my own problems, let alone other peoples.

The only bad part about living in Salt Lake is....
1- no good concerts come here.... ever and if they do it's always at big shows. To all good bads out there play small clubs, it will be better in the long run
2- There is way to many damn Mormons.... i mean everyone gets offended to easily. Or you just looked down upon quickly for saying that you were out... with a guy until 3 or 4 is just unheard of.

So Emo... hmm
Yeah i'm starting to listen to Emo... thus explains Reggie and the full effect. But i like it.. it's got energy that well i'm not used to hearing. From what i've heard Emo is more along the lines of College Rock, or atleast that of about 2 years ago. I'm just starting to like it... Anyways so this is what i'm thinking about...
Also the new cd of Bliss 66. If you like Rock and well lets just say, nothing new Rock. These guys are were it's at. I would go as far to say if you like Live or Matchbox 20 you will more than likely enjoy Bliss 66. Mainly produced by Glen Ballard which, if you know your shit, is the same man that produced Dave Matthews Band. With songs mixed by Tom Lord Alge who is the same guy who does a lot of singles... if you see these 2 names on one CD i would almost say that it probably cost a shit load to make. One song is almost destined to get on the radio... damn i hate the radio.

Song: Sooner or Later Band: Bliss 66 Album: Trip to the 13th
So this weekend was actually more fun than it was cracked up to be.

Friday: Went up to the Main Street Pizza and Noodle, in Park City. this is my favorite place to eat of all time. I had the left overs all weekend long. Anyways then it was time to head over to Hansen Planetarium to watch Laser 'Dark Side of the Moon' Anyways don't get home until about 3:30 because there was this big accident on the freeway. Then righ when i walk into the door and turn on the light there was a mouse.... at my feet. i quickly ran away, but it kept me up all night nonetheless.

Saturday: was moving day... yes i moved back home. The exciting thing about home is that i have all the same things that i could do on my own... exept do drugs (i'm no saying that that's something i would do, i'm just saying that if i ever did that would be something i couldn't do now)

Sunday: Still moving. James came over and helped me move, that was actually really nice of him (i need to repay him some how... what to do? what to do?) anyways i realized that i left my table down at the house in the Avenues... but i'll pick it up some time.

So there is a concert on the 20th, Matchbox 20, Train, and Pete Yorn. I honestly would like to go, but no funds and well no one to really go with, for all m friends and things either (a) hate the fore mentioned bands (b) have a boy-cot against going to shows at the e-center or (c) am at the same point i a with no moneys. All-in-all i think that if someone one, or radio station, were to just give me tickets i would totally go.

Well also i went to the music store this weekend and ended up with some kickass music that i've wanted for a while now.... example
Bliss 66
The get up kids
Reggie and the full effect
yes some of these are not my style, but still it's just one of those things, everyone has to go through there phases and well this one happens to be mine at the moment...

quick....
So i'm listen to a band right now, called Tabitha's Secret.... $5 to anyone who can name what this band turned into... without alternate measures... memory only please.....(smiliesteph@hotmail.com) Hell if you use other measures i'll still give you money

mm-kk quick insert
So the South Salt Lake Post Office branch sucks. I go to get the mail, while in our mailbox is 2 pieces of mail, one is a certified letter that needs to be signed for. I think okay i'll just grab it right now no big deal, there's only 3 people in line. Well as it turns out there is 2 'workers' and it took me about 15 minutes. The thing here is everytime i get something from that post office it's just a pain in the ass. Someone needs to tell these people they are not the most efficiant people in the world.
Anyways so i hear throught the grapevine that we are all to stand and sing 'God bless America' here at 11:00 (MST) so all of you sitting at your desks, or at home, or at school please take place in this event, to remember all those who lost there lives from the incident on September 11, 2001... thank you
Anyways so my Dad asks me about 5 minutes ago that he is 'just concerned about your actions' Anyways as things keep going he has found out about me drinking and having a tattoo, these are just things that i hide fom my Father for one reason only because i do not want to be looked down upon. I guess it's just one of those things that you don't really want those that judge you to find out about... like i wouldn't really tell Austin or Heather... but i guess if i'm just trying to be myself i don't really want to hold anything back right?
Oh well

Song: Knock-down Drag-out Artist: Weezer Album: dubbed the Green Album
It's all that i can do right now
To make it up to you somehow
Me and James had 'the talk' last night
For you see i got asked out by this kid in my history class and well it's just one of those things were you want to say yes just for the experience but at the same time you say no because you think that your time would be well spent with someone else. So i said no and well i thought about it and that's what i'm sticking with. For you see i've been with 4 people in the last 9 months, 2 of which only lasted for a month (if that) and all relationships have started quickly, and well James is thinking that he wants to put up restrictions... which is a good idea. We could just say no making out after 11:30 that way when this time comes along we would just have to stop, or we could just only go out on Friday nights, which for me is a bad idea because i have school on Saturdays ( i know it was stupid of me... but hey i did it anyways) But this leading to mad making out because you haven't seen that person for so long that it's just like 'arg! come here' Am i making sense, or is this just a jibberish?

From an email earlier....
Hello from Canada;
I just read your blog at blogspot. Was searching the net trying to find some
sort of explanation or reason in this insanity. I know I am not an American but
everyone I have met today was crying or afraid and worried. We are all praying
for your country. Thanks for your message on your blog. Words seem sort of small
today but I wanted to extend a hand from Canada. You have more friends than
enemies. Your country will see that now I think. I hope.

hmm... thanks... people are honestly good...

Fucked up shit.... is all i have to say.... fucked up shit

Song for today: Come Pick Me Up Artist: Ryan Adams Album: Heartbreaker.
Come pick me up
Take me Out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Things don't really make sense to me today. We are in a crisis in America and people are seeking help to understand their feelings. I saw this morning, and every instructor has announced up at the U that those that need help understanding, and coming to reality of their feeling there will be sessions at the Union. Also for those that have not gotten in touch with family members they are giving free long distance at every office there. Everyone wants to help and the only way possible is to just help people get in touch with what they are feeling... to just let it all out.
I find today much different than yesterday, people are thinking about going on, people now more filled with anger. I guess what i'm just saying is that people, myself included, are just getting over the shock of things.
Anyways so i have to take James somewhere on Friday... any fun thought? (smiliesteph@hotmail.com)
I've tried thinking of some cute things and well after about 10:00 i'm drawing a blank... so help me out will yeah?
This is not to say that i have nothing planned because i think he'll just think it's cute.... anyways before i let on too much i should probably stop talking about this subject
class was cancelled for tomorrow and well i don't know why... but hey a fun day to sleep in :) that always makes me happy. sleep is good.

So i was at home when bush made his second address... can i tell you it's just the same old shit. People all wanting answers with no answers to give... why is that? Anyways so i think that today was one shitty day in the ways of America. People not knowing what to do or how to handle themselves. I just wish that today wouldn't have happened you know? I guess what i'm just trying to say here is that i'm sorry to all those that lost family and well even though life is hard it's always hard. Things just happen.. and well it sucks. I think it's just one of those things. We need something in every generation to wake up america...to re-unite all the people in america. I mean yeah i didn't trust Bush to start with and hell i don't think that i still do, i just think that in this situation it was better to have bush than Gore.

I sat here about to go into class and watched the World Trade Center collapse. I watched thousands of people's deaths. I watched one of the world's worst terrorist attacks happen... and one of the world's greatest landmarks fall.

Things are starting to sink in, but i still have no idea what to do from here. I was told that i couldn't donate blood because i have gotten a tat. in the last month, which i would almost say is a shitty thing.
I'm listening to the Doves... and thought i'd share...
get out of bed, pick up the phone, time to tell the press
say to myself, i can't do no one else, there's a whole world outside
i'm gonna tell it all, i'm gonna sell it all, i'm gonna sell
get out of bed, come out and sing, blue skies a head, the man who told everything
and i feel, like i'm losing my head, i didn't mean to say
like have been wrecked and i've picked up my cheque, catch a plance out of here
i'm gonna get out of here, i'm gonna get out of here, i'm gonna sell
Just a song.... and well that's just what i'm listening to. I couldn't handle the news anymore, I almost want to be in a depressed mode. Maybe i should stick in some Ryan Adams instead... can i tell you how much i love his solo album, i hear through the grapevine that he's coming out with another one soon... (if you have heard this rumor also.. let me know smiliesteph@hotmail.com)

I forgot that this was the first time in US history that all air flight grounded. All people have no flights. Life is strange. There has been a dramatic increase in security, around all airports. I wish i understood why some things happen... hmm

I was at school just after getting my morning coffee, signed on the internet at Oplin Union Building... still had no idea. Continued along the dayly events. Walk about 30 feet when i run into a guy named Scott saying 'the World Trade Building has be attacted by Terrorists' My first reaction 'okay there's a big tv just over there and i'll just sit down before class started' not knowing the impact of the situation. I have no idea what to say, how to describe my feelings. This is a way to re-unite the nation again and to be honest i don't know what the fuck i'm supposed to do. Everyone now has faith in our president.
All i can think of is the people that have died.. the people hurt... those that are covered in ash. I'm having a hard time keeping in my emotions.
Anyways back to what happened to me in the situation. I sat down and couldn't move for about 20 minutes until i realized that i should head to class. Go over to the OSH building when i walk in slowly.. walk down the hallway and there's James. I have never wanted to hug someone more, yet feeling were never let go because it was the whole class atmospher, but god knows i wanted to. Class seemed to go by slowly and there was no way i could understand what is going on with our nation. We are in a crisis, people don't know what to do. I walked around school and just looked at people's faces.... no emotion, everyone... just... scared. Around 9:30 class let out when James and i head back up to the Union to see the news were i had found out that both of the World Trade Centers are gone. James made a good point 'that now people know what a good idea this was there will be more that will happen'
The president is about to speak....
'we will show the world that we can pass this test' (this is not a direct quote for i can't remember totally) This test... this quick speech hopefully will help some people understand what is going on. i honestly don't know what i can do to help.

God help our nation, those that are hurt, those that have family in the area... friends and loved ones. Please pray for our nation

Yesterday i got more frustrated than i have ever been and then was calmed down by a man who knows more about computers than i can imagine. He's a smart guy, and well he's pretty much smarter in a whole hell of a lot of subjects. I honestly have never just dated anyone who is all around smarter than i was. Yeah, don't get me wrong, everyone that i have had a steady relationship with in the past has been very smart in their strong subject, but to have one well rounded person... That's just wants to be dating, always a plus. i find it hard to understand him sometimes, but this i guess is what is supposed to happen.
Anyways i'm up here at the Union Building drinking my coffee and awaiting turning in a paper. I for some reason am very sleepy (maybe the fact that i didn't get home until 2 would have something to do with it) but the next two days are going to be spent writing paper after paper... and well this is what i pay money for.
No matter how much i bitch and complain about school, i love i here. For anyone that is just thinking about going back to school i would give it great thought. Because i love it up here.

So today has gotten just crazy... i think it's the fact that i would really be at home. But the fact is what the hell would i do at home.. nothing okay problem solved.
So i really need to stop saying that i'm sorry for everything... but i guess it's just one of those things. It's like i'll just think that if someone had felt bad for what i said i will just randomly say i'm sorry and hope it will make every thing all better. The strange thing here is that they are always from the heart... i always just feel that i'm not good enough, it's messed up is what it is.....
Anyways so things as far as i'm concerned is going well. Life is good again, and to be honest James and i haven't done anything risky since Friday which is always good for the old relationship... this way you don't always end up being so kissy-kissy

And we know what happens
when we get to your house

Yesterday was an equally as bad day... I pretty much went up to my dad's and stole his jeep and just drove around. I just thought about the things that i don't want and the things that i do want... and well i've semi come to a conclusion...
The Things i want
1- to have relationships with friends and family without having to put on a mask of some kind
2- to try and understand more
3- to have a relationship with a man... not a child
4- to not think about the past or future as much... to be honest you can't really do much about it
5- to not have expectations
6- to know what people expect of me... this is totally along the lines of male/female relationships
Needless to say the drive was to understand what i wanted with James and well i don't really think i know what i want, maybe this is a good thing. I know that i'm not ready for a relationship, well it's not really ready it's more along the lines of me not wanting to get hurt anymore. I seem to always take too many things to heart, and i don't really want to just jump back into a relationship with someone because i don't want to get my heart broken again. This is one of the first times i have admitted that and well it feels good to finally understand somethings about myself. I hate needing someone to be there... needing someone to depend on.... needing someone to listen to my shit and not want to give me advice.... i hate having to have someone around... does this make sense?
anyways and then things got better i went somewhere that just made me happy to be there... then i went to mom's and eat dinner with Pat... I like being with Pat i think he's just fun now... Then home to have a small chat with Karen and talking on the phone, then to sleep i went with a comfortable sweatshirt on and just happy to be me again.

*as purtains to the fag comment made on last post, this is all just in jest... i was just partly upset at the fact that James didn't want to come with me... but this is one of those traditions that you try and keep alive once Austwelk is gone (it was just one of those things that him and i said all the time and well it was great fun)*

So no matter how good yesterday was... today has made up for it shit wise.
I have a feeling it is going to be one of those weekends when you dread getting up in the morning to start Sunday. You understand right?
Now yesterday, on the other hand, was..hmmm :)
To start with i went to the dentist and got the gas.... then to run home, help Karen with her emotional problems (it's one of those things that you just need to talk it out and well i think i was the only one there to listen). Hall ass over to Amy's to Katie's Birthday party (she's 3) which by the way James wouldn't go with me... what a fag! Anyways then it was dinner and a so called movie with him and well i was home by 1:30 which is always wonderful
I went to class this morning, now i know you are thinking 'who in there right mind takes class everyday of the week, except sunday' Well crazy people that would be me... I like it, it keeps things busy.
The Ironic thing is the only day i don't have to worry about getting sleep, is the night that James has shit to do (for all those wondering the 'shit', as i like to call it, is going to a wedding and a last man standing party aka lets celebrate the fact that this is the last night of one friend being single and well... let's all get drunk and watch strippers. How funny is this.... because well the reason being is that he should need a stripper.... if you catch my drift.... I just don't think women will ever understand this concept but hell it's gotta happen anyways right!)
So tonight for myself... alone... will be spent doing laundry, fixing my nails, watching a movie, and eating pasta salad (all girls need to experience this alone time more often.... also another one of those... the oposite sex will never understand)
But for some reason i just feel like shit today and well i don't know why... anyone know? (why did i just ask this.. no one is in my head except for me)

My internet works at my desk... finally :)
Today really is a good day... nothing can go wrong... well at least as of right now :)
So many :)'s

So last night i got 8 and a half hours of sleep... this is insane, no one these days gets that much sleep. I love it :)
Today is a wonderful day, the first one in a long time. I think it was because my body is happy, my mind is happy and well i'm just at a great state.
Life is just good and i just wanted to share with all.
As yesterday is concerned i finished an outline for a large paper that i had just found out today that was pushed back until Wednesday of next week. I finished some loose ends... just fun little things that don't get done when your nights are spent with someone else.
I have class on Saturdays so that's kind of a drag...
There was a minor family crisis yesterday, concerning the company... i'm sure i'll give full details when i'm angry about it again.
I'm just excited...

I'll make a deal if you deal with my devil
-Seven Mary Three
So have i explained that i really do not like draper. I mean good god, the roads are confusing, the houses are bigger than very large shit in the toliet, and well that is all. Now every where in Salt Lake is easy to get to when you have an exact address, but for those of us that get lost easy... Draper/Sandy area is not the way to go.
Also I do the same things that i always do... why can't i just learn to be not so kissy... kissy (as i think it was Dereck that put it) i don't know why i do it though, it's just the nature of the beast i guess. It's a good thing though that James had enough guts to tell me this... rather than just letting it go on... good for him.
I have a shit load of homework to do this weekend. I need to start sleeping earlier

So i don't know what happened with yesterdays.. the strange dots and things... I'll figure it out don't worry.
So i have a soar throat... i know 4 people that have strep... damn the man.
Also last night was me being super stressed, i tried to get some homework done but it just lead to me getting to the extent that drinking to start calming me down. Well I got drunk... pretty damn drunk and well James came over... to be honest i think i pushed him into things... i feel kind of bad. But when i talk to him some time maybe i'll feel better to just explain to him that I was sorry and that... somethings was just the Beer talking. Yes i have finally become adapted to beer, but i will always like the hard stuff :)
Well i should probably head, have a wonderful day to you all....

The wonders of the weekend...

FRIDAY
Well this is right were I have decided that not only am I extremely bored, but the fact that I would rather hang out with children rather than adults on a Friday night is just crazy. Yeah Kyler and Katie are a blast to be with that's why I think I was put into watching them.

SATURDAY
I went to the Bite of Salt Lake, let me tell you this was not all that it was cracked up to be. You think 'oh local band. Oh local music, I should be set for today' but this is not the reality. It was more along the lines of randomly eating food, tripping across the fact that David Wilcox was there, and pretty much good conversation. Now I went with James (quick insight: James met in writing, strange enough, now 'good friends' if you catch my drift) anyways James and I get there around 1ish and then 'round 5 my Pop's caught up with me because James had to go into work. Now it was strange the first date you go on with someone and he already meets the Dad. I felt sorry for him. Okay he leaves and I went back to try and find Dad, Mindie, Aaron, Jackson, Elisa, Parker, Aaron's brother (and friends) I see them over by the Birds and well I went and scared the shit out of Dad, it was great fun.
After this little fun day, the evening was spent a little differently. At around 9:30 I had realized that I was falling asleep on the sofa reading for school. I got depressed. Things happened... started drinkin' Brooke came over (now the last time I saw Brooke was approximately a year ago, she was in one of my classes) anyways we talk, mainly about her, do a little dancing of the street and calling it a night.

SUNDAY
Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back What a wonderful movie. If you liked the random pot smoking jokes they made all the way through Mallrats or Dogma, you will enjoy this movie. But I must warn you, if you don't like the words 'Bitches' and 'fucking (fucker, just fuck in general)' you will not like this show. I would go back and see this... for sure :) Anyways came home, started drinking (yet again) and well that was just great fun that should be saved for individual conversation

MONDAY
I went up to Storm Mountain with my family (Dad....so Amy didn't go) Anyways that was great fun. Me and Jayme got to talk a little bit more than we normally do and Mindie was civil, notice that I didn¡¯t say even the words nice... Just civil. Well I go home and having to study, I start reading. The thing is¡¦ is that the house was so hot, it could've been on fire. So I went and got ice cream, then to Starbucks to get a frozen mocha, then over to one of James's friends house to... well start drinking again. Go home... eventually go to sleep. No real studying that day either.

I think for the first time in my life I'm not being used. This, to be honest, is probably the reason I had fun. Knowing that well I think that I have decided what I want and well that's just taking things slow. Yeah it might be hard, but slow it is. That way nothing has to be forced... and well I like it that way.