so i guess we're all good...
From a conversation not to long ago... something i just don't understand. It's like why can't people just be honest, not pull people around on a string, to try and understand one another... were the other person is coming from. To the rest of you this should be not make sense to you.. but ask me about it and maybe i'll tell you, it's just not one of those things.
So there's something that i have neglected to tell all of you, and well it deals with something that i did in May.... it's just the fact that i feel bad, that i could have done something differently, that i could have not hurt another person. But what's done is done and well i can't change it... I would just like to publicly say that i was sorry for not giving him an option... I truly am sorry.
Things have all of sudden gotten weird with me and the rest of people... people what the hell am i talking about, men in general.
Why is it that a woman usually gets talked about as 'that girl' but a guy is always 'that man' I don't understand it...
I swear i should just change the title to I don't understand it would probably fit better with what i talk about.
To quote Samuel from the colonial times
i must seal up my letter

Do you remember the old commercial for Hoggle Zoo.... it goes a little something like this
You wouldn't have to take a bath unless you wanted to
you could spend the whole day long just lying in the pool
you could sleep in when you wanted to
you could stay up late
Think of all the things you would and wouldn't have to do
if you lived in Hoggle Zoo
Now to be honest i have had this stuck in my head for the last couple of weeks and well... everytime i bring it up... no one remembers the song. Did this really happen or is this ESP from God saying i should write gingles for the rest of my life?

well a friend had a child and well the sad thing is... is that this baby was born with out half of his skull, with a bone growning out of his arm, and extra toes, they don't even know if all of his organs work...
What would i want to do if this were my child. I'm glad that i don't have to make these decisions. hmmm
Anyways on a total lighter side.... situation you tell me what to do (smiliesteph@hotmail.com)
So i have this number of a certain person, and well to be honest i really want to call and go out with him.... but it's still early in the game to understand what is going on. Anyways so my question for you is... do i wait for him to ask for my number and then ask me out... or do i just take the plung and just call him? The the pro's and con's of both sides....
calling him- pro's: gettting to know him sooner, having something to actually do this weekend (other than write this 7 page essay on colonial economy) con's: i look to forward, it is a little early in the semester to be dealing with that stuff, I don't want anything serious and well it seems as though when i start things off they tend to roll that way
waiting con's: i really so just want to get to know him better... pro's: this will slow everything down and well in my case it's a good idea...
Well i think that i've made up my mind.... wait... or maybe not... i don't know

Listen to this bull shit fucking.. fuck, fuck (now to those not in the know might take this personally, but those who know my speech this is normal on headache days)
Well the day has started a little differently than planned. I was going to get up late today, late being like 8:00 to eventually be in class around 9ish. Anyways instead my alarm goes off at 6:11 this morning and well no go back to sleepy for Stephanie. So i get up, and head to school. blah blah blah, in class.... blah blah blah... quick skip to mid day, when i realize that not only am i just tired but the fact that because of all of this checking account trash i now have bad credit that will follow me until i change accounts. I call the chexsystems to tell them my story... one thing leads to another and they are 'getting back to me' (in that little bitch ass voice) So about an hour goes by of me realizing that i can't write checks, get cash, or pretty much do anything!!! So i go to the credit union and close the old account and open a new one. That wasn't that bad, it was the fact that i had to leave work early to do so. Meanwhile, my family is getting down my back for some trash about some guy that isn't even in Salt Lake and to be honest i really don't want to hear it, for you know what i just want to say to them.... (well lets not get into that today because... well we just shouldn't)
Anyways now i'm headed to mom's to go to Outback Stake House. If anyone ever wants to treat me to a nice meal.... this is the place for me :)
Sorry for the bitching i'll probably get rid of it later

the words have all been spoken
some how the feeling still wasn't right
and still we continue all throught the night
tracing our steps from the beginging
untill they vanished into the air....
how long have i been sleeping here
how long have i been dreaming i could make it right....
to be the one you need
Possibly one of the saddest songs of all time...
Song Late for the Sky by Jackson Browne

I just got this thought to talk about music.... hmm music. I go into a haze when i listen to it. The question that you are always asking yourself is 'what is the artist trying to get across?' and well it's always a big deal in my head. Example.. Still Fighting by Ben Folds.. why does he start talking about a bird in a brown suit, when the rest makes sense.... 'every body know that it sucks to grow up, but every body does.... and the years go on and we're still fighting' i mean it's a wonderful song don't get me wrong, i just have no idea why they through in random things like that. Well never mind... as i listen on it say 'good morning sun. I am a bird' Sometimes it fits, other times it doesn't.... I don't know....
Thoughts? (smiliesteph@hotmail.com)

Can i tell you how much i love the rain. For some reason it reminds me of something and i can't put a name to it. I was walking and talking and well it was raining, and it got me thinking about it.
I also feel that i need to clarify the blog from this morning.... for those that don't know Jed died Feb 2nd 2000 and we were dating, so... well... i'll just leave it at that.

I went to the cemetery yesterday, and it made me sad. the Menlove's have not gotten a head stone up yet, what the fuck is that all about? I had a dream about him last night. For some reason me and Katie were walking down N Street and 3rd Ave. Well there's a conoco there on the North East side of the street. As i was saying Katie and i were just walking and Jed is there filling up peoples gas tanks. I ask him how have things been and he said fine, then just did that chuckle of his (for those that knew Jed you would know the chuckle)..... (the conversation goes on) He says 'so were are you at now' my reply 'oh i'm just up on J Street... not to far from here' Jed 'i'm going to stop by' I 'Okay'
The reason why i share this Jed story is because... well for some reason i had thought that i had forgotten everything about him, and i think this was just a reminder that i hadn't. This subject is still really touchy for me, but hey i'm learning to deal with it. Maybe not in the best ways but learning nonetheless.
I have Sweetness stuck in my head.... it's been there for two days (just thought i'd share)
Anyways on to the funnest (yes i just used the word funnest... soon i will use the word funner) of last night...
So i go home and realize how early in the day it still was, i grab some alcy out of the fridge and start just chugging (i really didn't want to have anything to do with some shit from yesterday). I hop in the shower hoping this will make everything so away and it helped, it really did. Then Karen gets home and well she has some PMS like crazy, but i, being the friend that i am, ask her to come and join in my drinking. Well we start going, and for some reason start playing Speed on the dirty floor. Then in mid-speed, Karen snarled at me, it was one of the funner things of the last week.... just image the noise of some beast snarling at you with out cause. Then i thought 'well i should get some reading done' So i go in my room and start reading for class this morning. Then some how i wake up this morning and not known what time i turned off the lamps, or were i had put my book.... it kind of struck me off guard.

Fuck have i got a story.... it goes something like this
Well about 2 weeks ago i get my purse stolen i think 'no big deal all will be ok' Well it is not. Come to find out i need to get a new drivers license, in order to do that i had to have a social security card (which i lost) and a birth something or other. Anyways it takes me about 3 days to prove who i was at the social security office. So that's two days of not getting paid right there. Then to the DMV to wait in line for all of 10 minutes... but still it's the DMV who likes it there... no one. So i stop payment on the checkbook, do all that fun stuff. About Thursday of last week i get a letter in the mail that states that i have not paid my balance of $203.54 on check number 0330. I say well that's one of the checks i have voided to stop this from happening. Well you have to go into your local branch and fill out an form.... So i go there, and about 2 hours later i get helped.... Eventually it's just me signing my name about 10 times (just to make sure it's me) So i think that i'm all free and clear.... You'll never guess what happened.. I'm buying gas, at a local gas station and they say oh your check is declined because you owe X amount of dollars to such and such... I had just left Parker's birthday party, i end up leaving my back pack there, with about $200 worth in books alone, and going back to the party having to resort to asking my mother for money and heading back there.... how retarded. I hate people.....
I've just decided i need a distraction....
The alcohol is calling my name.

to quote the String cheese incident.... can you be with someone and still be free?
Why is it that every relationship that i get into it has to just be that 'usness' or nothing. It's like for once i would like to be asked out and then thought about for like a week until there is another phone call that asks if i would like to go out again. I hate going from date one, to steadily dating. This is just how most things go though i guess. I want a relationship that doesn't consist of kissing all the time, or saying i love you every other word... geez (for those that i've dated that's reading this.... this is just what happens with me, if you haven't noticed... it wasn't just you, even though i might have said other wise) I look back on all relationships in the past and well they all start out with just an a date, but then lead to making out... and what nots. I just want a normal every day.... just 'dating' relationship! i'm beginning to think that they don't exists.

So it's strange how you meet people. I was drinking my coffee in the morning prior to class, walk to class and just start going off... i tell you it's the coffee, it makes me crazy, i drink too much i think. I just think it's strange how you can think that you have the exact same friends you've had since high school and all of sudden a new one comes along.... wonderful.

Another day goes by and well not much happened. Karen and I went to the store and i bought a Mr. Goodbar, and other basic grocery needs. But think about this when was the last time you had a frozen Mr. Goodbar. I recommend eating one, Hell go and grab one right now!!!
Anyway so the way to get here is Romance 'Why?' you may ask because this is what i am, a hopeless romantic and even though at the moment i'm not dating anyone, which by the way i'm glad about, i've decided that now is the time to look inward, to understand myself... what i stand for and why do i stand for that. I guess that moving out/ moving on has made my life seem... well i wouldn't go to the extent to say empty, just not full. Well it's fuller than it used to be at home so maybe it was a good idea. Anyways Back to the subject at hand, so Dereck and i broke up... to be honest i haven't cried which is strange for me. I don't know he does live 1400 miles away (alright side note... don't get into a long distance relationship, i mean good god. yeah i can handle large states away from each other it's just the guys they get to... well you know how guys are, and well to be honest it makes for a lot of lovin' when you see them and a lot of heart ache when you don't) to be honest i have no idea why we broke up.... but 'we' are not a 'we' any more and i'd like to be friends with him, it's just i think we are at two totally different points and this one was just not meant to be.
Well on to school
How i love fall semester :) it's a time to kick back, relax and let the good times role.... not really, well actually fall semester is one of the more stressful semesters. there i just so many freshman in some of my classes, it's crazy. I mean some of them don't even know what i blue book is... ARG! (for reference a blue book is like six pages of paper bound together with staples, and well it's cheap, you take tests in them) But classes are the following:
Statistics MWF 7:30-8:20- this teacher (yes only teacher) is a nut job. he just loves statistics... who in their right mind even likes Statistics
Perspectives of American Culture MWF 8:35-9:25- what a wonderful class going toward my major... HISTORY. Now we are learning about minutemen (no not that kind of minute men you dirty dirty people)
Writing T TH 9:10-10:30- what a bitch of a class. It's required.... it sucks and well it was $125 for just the 5 books.... ARG!
Hand building S 9:00-12:00- now this class i just need some good headphones because you talk about anything... nothing, just sit there and watch people.... I love watching people.
Okay off that topic and move to my roommates.... in no particular order
Ryan, 18, right out of high school. To give you an idea of his level, he keeps talking about the gal that comes into his work (at Smith's) and well the only way we know her is as 'The Striper'
Audrey, 28, we don't really get along to well, but still she's a good person...
Matt, 26, never really says much to anyone, just comes in grabs a beer out of the fridge, and goes in his room. he's only in SLC for 6 or 8 days in 2 weeks, but hey it would be nice to see him once in a while.
Karen 24, a wonderful girl, i think i get along with her the best, she's well lets just say... she likes organic food, doesn't drive a car, is a little bit to opinionated. Perfect for Chris, the one in Tahoe (not the other 2 Chris's)
The only thing left to really cover is family and well to be honest that deserves a post of it's own... long drawn out stories.
Wow i had lots to say if anything had sparked an interest in you email me (smiliesteph@hotmail.com) and we can chat about it in more depth.
anyways i really should start reading for class today... Shit

Alright now that i have something to work with, thank GOD.
Alright i find myself in the exact same place that i was about a year ago. Sitting at the same computers up at the U of U with basically the same friends (well there were some boyfriends here and there, nothing i'd call true love... but love nonetheless) Anyways back to the subject at hand... a little about myself... okay. Well I'm at the local university here in Salt Lake City, Utah and well i like it here. People just seem nicer, and well it is a great place to just sit.
I've finally decided to get out of the social scene and into finding myself.... were i'm headed and what i should be doing in my life. Things are crazy and well it's just time to sit down relax and just be me... you understand right?
Okay work is work. Yes i still work for my parents, but at least i don't still live at home. The Avenues are the place to be that's for sure. For all those that live down here in Utah tell me what you think about the City... i'd like to know (smiliesteph@hotmail.com) Once i fully figure out the wonderful 'blogger' system i'll give you a fun little click... teehee.
Anyways Karen (a roommate) is sitting out side waiting for me.... i'll give you more info tomorrow.