And we know what happens
when we get to your house

Yesterday was an equally as bad day... I pretty much went up to my dad's and stole his jeep and just drove around. I just thought about the things that i don't want and the things that i do want... and well i've semi come to a conclusion...
The Things i want
1- to have relationships with friends and family without having to put on a mask of some kind
2- to try and understand more
3- to have a relationship with a man... not a child
4- to not think about the past or future as much... to be honest you can't really do much about it
5- to not have expectations
6- to know what people expect of me... this is totally along the lines of male/female relationships
Needless to say the drive was to understand what i wanted with James and well i don't really think i know what i want, maybe this is a good thing. I know that i'm not ready for a relationship, well it's not really ready it's more along the lines of me not wanting to get hurt anymore. I seem to always take too many things to heart, and i don't really want to just jump back into a relationship with someone because i don't want to get my heart broken again. This is one of the first times i have admitted that and well it feels good to finally understand somethings about myself. I hate needing someone to be there... needing someone to depend on.... needing someone to listen to my shit and not want to give me advice.... i hate having to have someone around... does this make sense?
anyways and then things got better i went somewhere that just made me happy to be there... then i went to mom's and eat dinner with Pat... I like being with Pat i think he's just fun now... Then home to have a small chat with Karen and talking on the phone, then to sleep i went with a comfortable sweatshirt on and just happy to be me again.

*as purtains to the fag comment made on last post, this is all just in jest... i was just partly upset at the fact that James didn't want to come with me... but this is one of those traditions that you try and keep alive once Austwelk is gone (it was just one of those things that him and i said all the time and well it was great fun)*