So another story i hear you say... okay than.
So me and my brother-in-law, Myke, sometimes have these heart to heart conversations, where you finally open up to someone. I told myke about James, and Ryan, and how i'm confused about the whole 'love' situation. He said that he got this weird vibe from James... like he (james) had something to hide, maybe he does. But i guess it's a good thing that i only see him at school. he puts me on emotional rollercoaster. I haven't talked to him, excluding school, for a couple of day (which i good i guess). anyways back to the subject at hand. Myke was wondering if Ryan would actually leave for Vegas, I said 'yeah that's the plan' (knowing that if i really wanted to keep him here i could with a guilt trip) But i would feel all sorts of bad for keeping him some where he didn't want to be. Anyways i guess what i'm trying to say is that secretly i DO love him... hmm that's sounds weird all written out like that... hmmm

Song: MIA Band Foo Fighters Album: there is nothing left to lose

yeah you wont find me i'm going MIA tonight i'm leaving going MIA getting lost in you again is better than being numb

Alright quick story....
Yesterday i was going through some of the CD's that my brother Pat had returned to me, when i cam across the Dave Matthew's Band 'Lillywhite Session' burned album. I think to myself, 'Yeah dave would be good to listen to while i'm writing this stupid paper' To my surprise when i opened the CD case Foo Fighter's CD was there. WTF!!! I have been looking for this CD for about 2 months, thought it was lost in shipping. I have wanted to listen to MIA for along time (it's a song that reminds me of Chris). So i got up ran to my CD player put it in and did a little dance. (need-less-to-say Ryan made fun of me for this little two-step dance move i was doing). anyways it was the highlight of my evening.

In other news i talked to Heather yesterday, the little Married one, yesterday... Which was actually pretty good. she had a lot to say about her Sex life which is fine. I think it's funny that she doesn't really have anyone to talk to about sex because they are all mormon (poor girl) So she decided to go off... about sex... with me... oh well.

Okay another Story for today (yeah i guess lots of things has happened to me so far today....
I got all of an hour and half sleep time. Ryan slept at my house, which i was okay with, but for the life of my i couldn't call asleep. Finally at about 6 i told him to leave so i could get some sleep. Woke up for school around 7:45 to about and inch of snow on my car... i clean it off and realize that the Freeway is going to be a bitch, so i leave for my 9:10 class right than. i hopped on to I-215 which i think speed wise i maxed out at 15 mph.. so i said 'fuck this' and got off at exit 4 (3300, 3900 south exit) and got onto Wasatch which was going just as slow but less cars. Has to get back onto the freeway to get onto Foothill but i was a head of "the big truck" so at least it was faster. It turns out the slowness was just because people are afraid to drive in the snow, can we all say in unison 'stupid utah drivers'. okay now that we've gotten that out of the way, back to the story at hand. Anyways when i arrived on Foothill there was a Paramedic with his sirens on... luckily i was behind him most of the way so i skipped through traffic all speedy like. Made it to class 5 minutes late, which was wonderful!!! If i hadn't been after the Paramedic i would've been about a half hour late, like some of my class mates.

Dude stat's sucks, but the fact that i'm not really doing it (and that i'm making my group do it for me) is a totally different story. I need to write a paper for this class too... i sucks at papers that's for sure.

Anyways i think that things are all crazy. A girl in my group for Writing hasn't emailed me back yet... ARG! And it's due tomorrow. i guess i just hate procrastinators.

Ryan will probably come over later, which always happens, and well i have to send him home early.... Yeah right and monkey's might fly out of my butt. (teehee).

First off i must explain to you all how much i HATED Harry Pottery!!! I mean i wanted to leave after the first hour, yet there was three to follow, the plot was typical and predictable (other than the double faced guy... that was foreshadowed, by at least myself) Anyways, back to why i didn't like this retarded movie, the actors were all sorts of not talented, it was one of the slowest starting movies i have ever seen (The Red Violin was faster than this **1**). I guess what i'm trying to get at... Do not go see this movie, even though it was a multi million dollar movie, in the first two weeks. Don't do it.

On the romance side **2**- went to this show with Ryan, who i might add is more touchy than i am. I used to think this wasn't possible but good god... IT IS. He invited me to his work party, we went out with his friends last night... he's proud to be seen with me. He makes me genuinely happy... I don't want him to move. *if you could see my face it would have a frown*

**1** the funny thing here is that i really LOVED The Red Violin, i found it to be a wonderful movie. So logically i can't compare it to the movie that i'm doing it too... teehee
**2** hence title of page, i swear that's all i talk about

DAMN today was busy at work... UGH! it only got that way when we had to ship. (if i could only make virtual fart sounds)
Anyways other than that the social calendar is filling up :) which is always a plus. I guess some things are just meant to be.

Finals week is next week.. holy shit fuck batman... where has the semester gone. I can say that this is the first semester were i was drinking yet keeping semi good grades and having semi boyfriends.. whoo hoo.
The side hurts, but i'll live... hopefully.

I need to head home and get some homework done... UGH! how i hate studying, the thing here is that i have to do a paper for Statistics... AHHH. i wasn't there for those classes so i hope i do okay.

Okay well i feel obligated to talk about the weirdness in my writing class... James is in my group and well i think we are now having these control battles which always sucks. Oh well.

Parking is a Bitch at school. I have found some hidden places though, hopefully they wont be full. It's a good thing i have class at 7:30 in the morning. The only place to park is MINES which is just a bitch to get to. Maps of the campus can show you what i'm talking about I have to now go from the parking next to MEB to OSH and sometimes even BUC. I guess that's just what happens when they close the stadium parking... the bastards of the Salt Lake Olympic Committee.... Sometimes i just don't like it that the olympics are coming here.

A cold morning with out coffee is not a good morning.

So last night i saw two movies for the first time 1) shrek 2) Monty python and the Holy gral. And sat through both of them sober. UGH! i tell you some things are better watched drunk.

i finished my scarf yesterday, oh i didn't tell everyone i was making a scarf this weekend. It's a little too wide and a little to short but other than that it's a wonderful scarf. it's Yellow with a white trim... whoo hoo. i was going to wear it to school this morning, but i had to wear this black scarf to match my coat and my hooker boots (Ryan stop fantasizing).

Anyways should probably head to class now... UGH! sometimes i just hate going to this writing class.

So school was canceled this morning, thank god. There's too much snow to leave here at 6:30 in the morning.

Yesterday i was shoveling and i was using the weight of my body weight to move the slush and the ice and well i broke a rib... good god man

So i had to shovel myself out of the driveway this morning.... as much fun as that is (we all secretly know that i love the snow so it was all sorts of fun) We now have snow up my knees and i jumped in an made a snow angle. I froze my ass off though which was actually interesting. I haven't been this cold for awhile.

Last night was drunk, maybe have done somethings i might regret later, but that's okay i'll be alright. Also hung out with James and well we probably aren't going to be hanging out anymore... shucks (even though this is actually REALLY good for me, all my choice)

Anyways have school tomorrow must remember to wake up early because it's going to suck getting to school. Instead of taking the freeway i'll end up taking highland that's always the best way. :)

Thanksgiving: Well it was interesting... To say the least. Dad's house for breakfast was all sorts of awkward, but fine i guess. As far as mom's well she was just being a bitch (which is understandable she always ends up doing it her self) but other than that it was tasty... mmmmm turkey. After i went over to Ryan's and we played tetris... it was great fun.
Wed. Ryan said he loved me... now what to do. He's going to move to Vegas... ahhh i don'at know what to do.

As far as today is concerned, i woke up with 6 inches of snow on the car... whoo hoo. i love the snow!!! But i can't wait until the canyon's are open, there's at least a couple of feet up there, wonderful. Anyways not much else has happened today. Went to Byron's this morning and watched their kids while Jayme went shopping then up to school (where the freeway was closed) to a study group, so much homework this weekend... UGH!

You know you've been working here to long when...
Everyone you knew at the bank when you first got there has been transfered. Chris (L. an ex) went to Taylorsville, Jeff did the same, Cody calls in sicks everytime i go there, Richard got fired.... i hate this job. UGH!

For being an un-productive day i sure got a lot done. i fixed my sterio and i put my glow-in-th-dark stars on my ceiling :) I went to bed happy for once in the last month... it's crazy. For some reason i was content with just sitting at home most of the day yesterday, watching Kyler and Katie, taking Amy pizza (because she was sick, who eats pizza when they are sick... i guess amy does, but she's pregnant she can get away with shit like that)

As far as tonight is concerned ryan is coming over and fixing my mom's entertainment center, it's all wired wrong. So that should be fun...

got to go to class :)

Last night i became reminicant about an ex (Chris B). Tried paging him to see how he was, i honestly don't really want anything, i guess it's just that i wanted to see how he was doing.

Turned in another application today, hopefully it works on this one...

Didn't have school today, whoo hoo, it's almost Thanksgiving which is good, 4 day weekend yeah!!!

Anyways not really much else for today.. sorry guys

I was once thinking to sing on my answering machine the following... 'thank you thank you for calling here but we're not here so leave a message at the beep thanks.. wo wo' I still might so all those that get my machine will think that this was the stupidest thing they have ever heard

Stood-up twice: Okay James canceled twice in 3 days, WTF! He's not really cool anymore, he's actually starting to bother me. One of these day's i just need to accept that he isn't good for me.

School: Well i missed Stat's and history again... UGH! Maybe my grades will turn out worse than i thought... shucks

Family: the whole family was at my house yesterday which was actually kind of fun. We hung Christmas lights and cleaned up the yard than played cards and watched Annie. Now when was the last time you guys saw Annie? It's the story about the little orphan girl who goes to this big rich fellows house... she gets picked up by her 'real parents' turning out to be the bad guys, when Bonjab crawls down a helicopter with his turban... it's a wonderful show. I would recommend it :)

Alone on Christmas: I think it's time to dump James, to tell Ryan he's too good for me. I've honestly one had one boyfriend over Christmas and well it was Jed and he was just straight out rude to me. So i just want someone who will bring mistletoe over and give me a kiss, i want thought out cheap presents and well i guess i just want a normal relationship and this doesn't happen in my book

Weekend up date-
Friday- okay i sat on my ass all day friday... which was alright because i had class on Saturday

Saturday- Ryan's birthday. The first half of the day was spent going to class and making a blanket... for Ryan dumby. After this went to Amy's to watch the U of U BYU game... we lost... we put up a good fight though :) Then went to Ryan's and accepted the fact that BYU won gave him his present and then came to my house, where i made him a cake and mom got us drunk. And well i couldn't take him home... Ryan slept over... no sex, just slept... (good on my part... wanted too... didn't, it's the whole having sex because you love them and well i don't love Ryan)

Sunday- Woke up with Ryan next to me... it was weird... ahhh. anyways picked up leaves and made dinner... had plans with James orginally but no longer!!!

FUCKING PISSED OFF!!!

James had just canceled and well that just fucking pisses me the fuck off. I guess it's just the fact that he has to do something else... what a ass.. and i quote 'i have to cancel, i have to get an oil change before me and my friend go to MOAB' i mean i guess i just don't understand why he doesn't want me with him, do i embarrase him? Do i make him feel foolish? Does he not understand?

Album not really song of the day worthy but it's what i'm listening to.
Band: Ben Folds Five Album: Self Titled.
this is the first album they came out with (i think, i don't really know of anything else before hand) it came out on Caroline Records, i don't think i've even heard of this before. Anyways it came out in '95... and now we must ask ourselves... What were you doing in 1995? This has to be the quesiton of the day. Personally i would be in Middle School, the sad thing here is that most people i hang out with would say they were a Freshman in College... teehee.

Anyways there is a stole car in our parking lot. How funny, we have the cops here and the parents of the poor high school football player that his car got broken into. This just gotta suck, funny, but sucks

In different new: I saw James on Campus, talk about funny. he saw my hair... it was all sorts of funny... people give me looks like 'ah that's different... but wonderful.'

Also on my walk from MINES over to BUC i was listen to this girl talk.. and the work 'like' came out of her mouth probably once every sentance. (mind you this means i was listening in on their conversation, but when you have nothing else to do... you listen in... this might classify me as a person that doesn't respect others, or this might classify me as someone that was bored... i'll take the last one) Anyways i've decided that most people here in Utah use this 'like' word as if it were 'a' or 'the' or any simple sentence filler similar to that. i mean i probably do the same thing, I hope to god that i don't, but FUCK it doesn't have to happen every sentence.

i dyed my hair this all sorts of sexy red color (whoo hoo) I told James about it and he almost fell of his chair. i totally excited.
Anyways another night doing nothin' i guess that's just how things turn out. i was orginally going to go to bed at about 10:30, but than i thought i'd IM Nick... but no him and i are playing this away game.. it's starting to get kind of funny :)
i think that i have to do well in school this semester... if not for any reason except to show my friends up... teehee i guess that's probably not a smart way for motivation because soon i wont care, but for now it works fine.
Have to run to class... than go to work later... UGH!

Song: Enid Band: Barenakeladies Album: Disc one (this is the one i'm listening off of)

Now why we never really respected each other and tell me why i never believed that you were a person too... Now it's not fair to say that it's because i was three inches shorten and it's not fair to say that it's 'cause i was only 15 years old but maybe it's fair to say there was a lack of communication, i took a phone message, oh wow speaking of communication oh Enid

Answer to the questions...
Don't try to force anything. Let life be a deep let-go.
-Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh Dying for Enlightenment

So I got to bed really early last night it was all sort of crazy.. i liked it. I woke up this morning still wanting to stay in bed... but i got up and got going. Went to class which wasn't REALLY class just a meeting with my group, okay reasoning behind this story... after James decided that he needed to talk to me... he just said we was concerned about me (which he has rights to be) He said that i make him feel bad... for him not having time for me... i make HIM feel bad, i don't think he understands where i'm really coming from. Bastards... everyone!!!

I'm learning, i'm yearning, i'm burning all your stuff, but that's not enough. i'm faking that i'm aching, mistaking lust for love. thanks that was fun don't forget no regrets did i scare you when i dared you i stared you in the eye and told you good bye. you mocked me, it shocked me, when you walked me to the bus. thanks that was fun don't forget no regret except maybe one. made a deal not to feel god that's dumb. everybody knows the deal feel through i was hoping i could just blame you when was it that i became so soft this sentimentality doesn't look good on me i thought that you would be begging to be with me, i'm the one on my knees blubbering please let me stay. Deflated and Jaded i hated when you call which isn't at all I've spoken though broke here's a token of my love thanks that was fun don't for get no regret except maybe one made a deal not feel god that was dumb thanks that was fun
-BNL Thanks that Was fun

i have just spent the last hour.... fucking busy... it bothered me.. now i guess i'm almost back to normal. i think i offened someone.. and i'm sorry. it just got all crazy

Song: Thanks That Was Fun Band: Barenaked Ladies Album: Disc One
(you will get the whole song later in the day... it reminds me of someone and well i like it)

Answer to the questions...
Why destroy your present happiness by a distant misery, which may never come at all? For every substantial grief had twenty shadows and most of the shadows are of you own making.
-Sydney Smith

Yesterday was a genuinely good day. *1* I went to class last night until 9:00 which made me sleepy and the drive home was worse *2* But i did wish i had a camera i will have to go back to this. There is this spot on the way to Bountiful that is just right after the city... it's the Industrial Zone but i look just wonderful at night time... i think i need to take the digital camera and start posting. Also yesterday Ryan told me that i made his day better because i was in a good mood *3*. Talked to James without hanging up the phone mad. (which is a good thing it mean we are becoming closer without being closer does this make sense?) Right after my long phone expedition for about an hour i got in the shower... checked my email *4*... and at about 11:15 was in bed and almost asleep. It was wonderful :)

Lead by today that has just started out poorly. I car pooled with my brother Pat on the way to school, which is never a good thing because he's my brother... we fight often. Then i come into work and the first call i answer is a angry man from New York that i just bitching about his order... the bastard. i hope the day progresses into a better day (teehee)

*1*whoo hoo one finally came.. just one though, but i have to take what i can get. For i think that i have just had one of the worst weeks of my life.. oh well that's what depression does to people
*2*I-15 seems to do that to me, it's so big and repetitive that i think i might go crazy at night time. The road seems like a super-freeway and well sometimes i just think it goes on forever. UGH! (for all those that live in Salt Lake and know that the 'new I-15' is an addition to a usually slow moving town, you understand the hazards of putting 'super-freeways' into the city)
*3* how exciting. It's strange to think that you can effect other people... my day also gets effected by others... Nick is a prime example i laugh more talking to him than i have ever in a long time. He slowly is making my attitude change... ahh
*4* i got an email from Chris [B] about the BNL review he had somethings to say about that... but the reason for bringing him up... i asked this question yesterday 'is it wrong to still admit that you love your ex boyfriend?' answer me that.

BNL
anyways so they have the Old Apartment song on it. Have you ever wondered what it's about.. well i have. is he with the same girl and going back or is it that was he's ex's place and he moved to on old house on 3rd and 4th. Anyways they say on the sleeve of the Cd "and by the way, to answer on of the most common questions i ger, the protagonist is still with the dame woman- it's the new tenant of his old place that he's intruded upon." how funny.
Second song: Falling for the first time: I don't know why they put this one in.. i guess it's because others liked it... ugh
3- Brian Wilson: who doesn't like Brian Wilson. For some reason i think this song is just a good one. I hated it to start with but it slowly grew on me.. like the whole stunt album in general.
4- One Week: over played and over rated. I guess it only look him 15 minutes to come up with the song, damn inspiration
5- Be my yoko ono: Not my favorite song but hey i deal. I guess it's one of those you know the words to you just don't really like it.
6- Alternative Girl Friend: Can i say Rock... i think so. this song in concert was actually pretty good
7- It's only Me (the Wizard of Magicland) a new one, i don't know what i think about it, steve's voice bothers me in this song
8- If i had a $1000000: This was the first one of of Gordon. the reason why i got into this band i think in '93
9- Call and Answer: also over played i hate liking a song and than it get on the radio.. it drives me crazy
10- Get in Line: I guess this was from the King of the Hill soundtrack. i don't like it. I guess it's just different sounding.. i wouldn't recommend it
11- It's all been done: why the hell to Tom Lord-Alge get involved, i mean he's famous for mixing #1 hits, but with this song i think it would've been better if they did it themselves.
12- Jane: From Maybe you should Drive, i think this song is the reason why this album sold copies. That and my favorite song is on that album.... 'A'
13- Lovers in a Dangerous Time: if you were a true BNL fan you would know before hand that it was from the Old Apartment single... it was good when it came out, now it's just one of those things that if you didn't have it before it wouldn't have been cool
14- Pinch me: when i first heard this song i laughed.. when i heard it a second time i laughed.. the third it got old and from there on it was just down hill
15- Shoebox: yet another favorite.. i just like how it's about his life :)
16- What a good boy: did you know that a hair is what monks in the 16th century used because they fled into the wilderness and wore the coats under their clothes in order to keep them from being comfortable in the desert. I think this is the only good thing i've learned in college.
17- Too Little Too Late: I didn't really like Maroon.. I guess i'm partial to the older stuff.
18- Enid: is starts with "the silence the terror the pain the horror as your mom comes down stairs" damn these guys are funny
19- Thanks that was fun: Also a new one, i love Ed's voice in this song.

Alright i bought a new cd today... BNL, Disk one, Greatest hits.. haven't listened to it... that's retarded. I think i will listen for a couple of days... that's just how i work

Some times Dereck can be so poetic... he's a good man this is for sure. i'm only sorry that we didn't fit. Look at his site... I wish i could explain myself as articulately as he does.

Anyways last night was spent trying to form words into sentences... i was writing a paper... UGH! When i turned it in this morning i don't think i did well on it. Oh well.

James and i are thinking that we are just friends (which no matter how i contest it's best this way) I need to tell Ryan that it's not going to work out. This is going to be tough.. he care's to much about me. When he heard i was sick yesterday he wanted to come over and make me feel better, when to others the thought hadn't even crossed their minds. I guess that's just how things work... The one you are in love with doesn't love you and the one that loves you... you don't love. Why is life tricky.

Well well i've decided what to major in... or at least what i want to do with my life... i want to be an appraiser. i think you have to get a degree in Art History and history.. but hell i can do it now that i know what i'm going for :)

Oh oh.. i'm listening to Pete Yorn album: Musicforthemorningafter whoo hoo pete yorn has to be one of the best new artists of the year :) that and he's all sorts of sexy.

Anyways every muscle in my whole body hurts and well i don't know why i hate it... it's like i try and move and it only creats extreme pain.. ugh!

On the other side today should be a promising day. I have lots of homework to keep my busy and well that's about it... homework and sleep. Maybe something will happen and i'll have something to do...

Last night was good in some ways but totally shitty in another. James came over last night, when he went home i gave him his sweatshirts back... well he called around 12 and asked if there was any hidden meaning behind it. I strictly just said that i don't deserve them... that i talk to his answering machine more than him... that when i'm around him i don't feel like i will ever be good enough for him. We talked for about an hour.. which was good. he realized that he is treating me poorly (which i guess is half of the battle) but i'm not saying that i'm leaving it up to him to make the next move, because i'm not. I know that in order for this to even work he needs to understand what i've been going through. That my whole life is falling apart and he is almost making it worse. So when he left i cried.... cried long and hard... it was the only emotion... and now i can't really do anything else except hope that something good would come from this.

chalk another weekend up to drinking...

Yes that's about all i did. I went to class yesterday to start a new teapot when a friend pointed out that it could be salvaged... so it was. It taught me a lesson though which is good, never give up on the shit projects they could turn out to be bad ass.

Went to Church this morning at the Salt Lake Christian Center. I do like church, but it's not really for me. Dad and grandma seem to like it though.

Must wake up for class tomorrow!

funny professor
Well i was just emptying out my school email and i just noticed one of the emails from my writing instructor. It was a reply to a message i had sent him, but the date was Jan 5, 1904 some professors have a sense of humor... teehee

So i just applied at the bookstore.. how degrading... almost. have a good weekend all i'm sure i'll write tomorrow

Why am i so reminiscent... i mean i was going through emails of the past and well i came across one from Chris that says

Just promise me that I will get a second chance someday.

I wouldn't mind getting back together with him. I was in love with him and it would be easy to fall in love with him again. i guess it's just one of those things

My work will probably go out of business soon. how bad does that suck... i guess it was to be expected though.. ugh! Just finished writing an email for my group i hope they all got it. maybe, maybe not the world may never know. I think that i need to head and find a job sometime today though, maybe i should wait for the sunday paper to get out that's probably the best thing.

Anyways so i think that i don't really have anything to talk about i just felt like blogging is all. I think it's funny.

Weekend- no plans!

Well i can't really give you a song.. but right now i'm listening to Third Eye Blind... album: Blue (would i pick any other album.. honestly)

i really don't want to do anything tonight.. but i feel like i have to because it's a weekend. Yesterday i went to Ceramics and tried to build my teapot... a lot of good that did... i have to go to class tomorrow anyway. I had my veg. day of the week, my 3 stress days, no really good days yet... maybe the weekend is more promising.

Anyways today is Friday... oh yeah in Stat's i think i just might fail. I mean i missed 2 days in a row and i have no idea what this Z-scale and T-scale are for... if you have any idea's email me (smiliesteph@hotmail.com)

Trying to find a job today. I have to ask my dad if he will help me do a resume... i hope things work out... UGH!

I woke up for Stat' this morning .... whoo hoo. i was thinking of sleeping in, but no. i really don't want to fail math... so now i'm at school

there is protesters infront of the union this morning... teehee. i think they want... well i don't know what they want i should go ask them... it looks mighty cold outside though. i feel like i should be singing Christmas songs... must fight instinct... must fight.... ugh!

Anyways i guess lastnight was the shits, i guess i just don't want to be the 'i'm just stopping by' type of person... anyways i guess i'll just have to deal. I feel like i'm using Ryan though and this isn't a good thing and well i told him that... he was in denial.... i sucks!

No song for today... to happy for most of the music with me

answer to the question...
We are built to conquer environment, solve problems, achieve goals, and we find no real satisfaction or happiness in life without obstacles to conquer and goals to achieve.
-Maxwell Maltz Psycho-Cybernetics

Yes i'm happy again.. no big deal. I guess i'm just stressed about school, i mean i have no idea what i REALLY want to do and well this is scaring the shit out of me... i have to pick a mojor soon... if not i will be one of those people that take beginning level classes until they are a senior and then decide that they need to have major... which would just suck.

Anyways I gues today was just a good day... for the start. I got to class on time, we gat a B on our Biblio (all James's fault), and well it was just all sorts of fun. I'm just happy today :)

Song: Valentine Band: old 97's Album: Fight songs

Tried i tried still i could carry on
It's a loney loney feeling when you valentine was wrong

At any rate. Old 97's are wonderful. If you are into college slow rock... ahhh

So Aaron is calling Chris today which as you now know this might mean the Chris is back form Tahoe :) yeah. I guess that i'm not interested through other people... oh well.

I stayed home from work today and i've spent most of today sleeping and watching movies... now the movie that's on tv right now is stupied, thus the writing. Anyways i really am not in the mood for writing depressing things because i'm actually very upset... i just need to spend the rest of today relaxing.. relieve some of the stress... UGH!

Music

Barenaked Ladies (also known to most fans simply as BNL) are coming out with a greatest hit album... whoo hoo. Titled Disc One, in stores Nov. 13th. For all those that love BNL as much as i do, this is a happy day. like when they came out with rock spectacle... ahh that was a good day. a very good day :)

So about a year ago Kat and I went and put up signs for out local democratic congressman. We had some much fun. Most of the signs we put up were in not so legal area's and got taken down before i made it home from work, but hey it was still fun. We stayed up until wee hours in the morning and laughed our asses off most of the time. This is what almost made me become a poli. sci major.

Oh i forgot to inform everyone i might be switching my major to advertising :) I don't know yet... i'll take a class of two next semester and see.

So i'm trying to do my Annotated Bibliography for my group paper. It's on the United States Education vs. the World. And lucky me i have the USA. Talk about pressure. Logically i should take up twice as many pages as the others but i'm having a hard time figuring out which way to turn this paper. I mean i know i have to state the disadvantages of the United States Education system, but i don't really know were to go from here. That and i have to get it emailed over to a group member by the end of the afternoon... shucks. Sometimes i just hate school, yet i love learning... this makes no sense.

Song: Your House Band: Jimmy Eat World Album: Bleed America

If you still care at all don't go tell me now
If you love me at all don't call
I throw away everything i've written you
oh and if it just keeps my mind from thinking how i had you once
oh i can't forget that
sometimes i wish i could kiss you again
Win me over with everything you say you rip my hear right out

They've met

And through James's voice we are not really over... just not the same. He honestly treats me poorly. (period) Yet i fall for the same tricks over and over. God damn why are my relationships always like this. shucks.

Today sucks not only for this reason... it just sucks.

Anyways... off topic. So i have to do some research about the education systems in the States. Well it's a group effort and that's my share. Anyways i guess i'll be at the U at the end of the day. I wish that someone would go with me, because i don't really like doing research alone. I end up falling asleep... every time... that's just how it works.

Had 7-eleven coffee this morning and it still is doing a turn on my tummy. there was something in it that just made my tummy hurt, i think it's the caffeine.. ugh! i love coffee, to have this side effect might be detrimental.

I've never wanted more.. but now i want something more than this...

My dad just came in and talked to me and well i feel bad. He makes me feel bad. He askes what he has done wrong for the last 7 months (since the seperation) i tell him that i've never really been that close to him so it's hard to adjust. then he starts asking about Amy and how she doesn't talk to him. i'm not going to tell him what other people are thinking, because they should have to express it for themselves. The only one that's really stayed talking to dad was Mindie. And she told him that no boby wanted to go and see him on Halloween and that they are just ignoring his presents.. i guess it's just strange

Song... Any song by Athenaeum... hmm (for the one that knows what this is about... thanks)

Answer to the question...
Love is letting go of fear.
-Gerald Jampolsky

Alrighty last night i went to Ryan's and watched Empire Records :) I love that movie. James didn't want to hang out, he wanted to go to the bar instead... oh well.

Anyways... situation...
Ryan- tells me he thinks i'm pretty, smart, funny, witty, enjoyable to be around, loves talking to me, loves hanging out with me etc.
James- i'd get lucky if he said that i looked cute, or if i was to get a little kiss from him, he never tells me that i'm pretty, or makes him happy to be around me.
The one i'm in love with is the one that never brings me up, and the one that is moving is the one that does... hmmm

My brother Pat woke me up early this morning and asked if i want French Toast. since i got so much sleep yesterday i'm thinking that i should go back to sleep right now. I guess it's just one of those things. I'll bet tomorrow i'll be extremely tierd going to class. I love 7:30 classes :) i have a stamp on my hand from ice skating... i had sucha good time. I kept wishing that i was with someone else... how bad does that suck?

Anyways i guess what i'm trying to say is that i do love James :) And well it's a good thing. He makes me happy, in most area's. :)

What is it that men don't like about me? I mean i'm not bad looking (per-say) and i'm very smart... witty.. fun... able to make a joke. I guess i just don't understand what men want from me. I know that Ryan just wants to get me in bed, and i know that James just doesn't want a relationship. So where the fuck do i go from here? I'm not a bad girlfriend... i'm caring supportive, energetic, going to school to excell in some section. I just don't quite get it. If anyone knows please drop me a line.

I told Ryan that i wasn't really attracted to him tonight... But we did go ice skating... teehee i love ice skating i have popped blisters on my heals though... so that was no good.

Went to a movie with james yesterday and all in all i have to say that i like it when James is happy. it makes me happy... which is always a plus. I invited him to stay the night and he turned me down, because his tummy hurt... oh well... fuck it!

Anyways so this weekend is going to be slow.. i have to read a book for class on monday so i have lots of homework to do.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Don't get to drunk, to high, or to depressed. For extremes are never good.

Thanks to inspiration by nick I was subjected into taking this test...

I AM 3% GEEK.

I wanna be a geek. But I'm not. Why would
I even want to be one. Do I think it's fun?
I should try writting an online test application at 1
am in my underwear.

Take the GEEK Test at Fuali.com!

What exactly does this mean

Quick Random Topic...
Why are the movies so impersonal. I mean people think dinner and a movie, fun date. But in reality it is the most impersonal thing that you can think of. You spend about an hour out of a four hour date talking the rest of the time you are sitting in front of a movie screen watching... laughing, crying, being scared. I mean what is this idea of a wonderful date as dinner and a movie. It would be more fun to do something different... it's just redundant i guess.

Anyways i want to go ice-skating who's coming with me. I think i'll end up going with Ryan which is fine :) everyone else i know is afraid to make fool of themselves... except for him.

Do you heed to the advise of strangers?

I got an email from a stranger that just said "dude that James guy is all wrong for you" WTF. I mean everyone sees it except me. What the hell am i supposed to do about it? I love spending time with him, I love talking to him, He's a strong, smart, gentlemanly man. That has qualities that i want in someone i'm dating... but others think he's so bad for me...

HELP!!! (smilesteph@hotmail.com)

According to Phrenology (the study of the Cranium) I would be a good Parent. Wife, Lover, but has a low self-esteem. Can i tell you I don't know about the first three but the last one is right on the money. And since i haven't had a complain yet with my kissing abilities maybe the lover part also. And this is what my History classes teach me :)

Song: Lemoneyez Band: Bottlefly Album: Self-titled
And in the sun there was a bright reflection Of the colors, I love the ones I see
Like rivers in the rain, you were the only one to suffer
You're falling out of me

Answer to the question...
Faith is an oasis in the heart
which will never be reached by the caravan of thinking
-Kahlil Gibran Sand and Foam

This makes no sense to the question i asked... now what am i supposed to think... UGH!

So leaving 7 minutes earlier to school really makes a difference. for one thing it took me about 3 minutes less time because there were less cars on Foothill that and i didn't hit a light until Medical... it was wonderful.

As for the rest of the day... I'll fill in later. It looks as though someone has left there ATM card in the ATM machine and it's been beeping for he last 5 minutes... must leave the noise... ahhh

All I learned yesterday is that if one plan falls through to go with plan two. You see James dogged out on me yesterday. how i hate it when people don't follow through... or people that are late. I guess i just don't work like that.

Spent the day at home and at school. I got out of work, which is always plus. Went tanning... hmm the sun :) Then headed to Bountiful to pottery. We glazed our pots today. For all those that have mixed glaze before, you would understand gooshy your arm gets. Well you mix the glaze together with your hand and my instructor's husband put plastic worms on the bottom of one of them. I flipped out. I'm surprised i made it out of there with glaze all over my clothes.