Pop tarts are all sorts of good :)

Blogger has a pumpkin on it's home page.... teehee how festive. What should i be for halloween? email and let me know. I honestly have about 4 hours to figure this out. Maybe i should just stick a garbage bag over my body and call my self garbage. Hell i don't know. I do need to watch a spooky movie as tradition has it.

Tomorrow is november 1st were has last month gone? UGH!

Just heard Billy Joel on the radio in shipping... teehee. I think he might get a song of the day here tomorrow.. rock on Billy :)

I almost forgot...

Happy Halloween :)
Do you remember that song when you were in school that spelled out the song. Here i will sing it for you
H-A-double L-O-W-double E-N Spells Halloween

Song: Flowers in the Window Band: Travis Album: Sing

There are many seasons to feel bad, sad, mad
It's just a bunch of feelings that we've had to hold
But i'll be here to help you with the load

Answer to the question...
to find yourself.
Think for yourself.
-Socrates

Do you guys remember Bill and Ted's excellent adventure I am always reminded of Socrates is pronounced So-crates. teehee.

Anyways tonight is the family party at mom's. All those that know were mom's is, and knows mom come and stop by. I'm sure it would be great fun to see some more people there, that and the bar is open :)

So i took that test and it was the only question i wasn't prepared on. I had to bull shit my way through the whole thing. God damn i hate the system.

Busy day... be in touch later

I need a distraction... I'm going crazy studying. This always happens. i mean it's only 8:45 and i need a distraction. now lets see oh yeah EMAIL (smiliesteph@hotmail.com) Even if it's tomorrow still email all you want. I tell you i'm a wonderful pen pal and to be honest i like it that way. All those that get bothered with my constant emails can tell you. *and tell you they can* Anyways i think that life just keeps getting more and more interesting and well i like it that way. Ryan is moving to Vegas (this will be good for James) and Chris is coming back from Tahoe (this will be good for me) Can i tell you how much i love casual dating :) To start with it was confusing, but now it's all sorts of fun :) Tomorrow i'm going through an extremely long questioniar so look at about me sometime in the afternoon.

Y'all come back now you hear!

slurpie is making my whole body cold. One thing i learned today do not drink slurpies when a storm is rolling in. Also to go pee often :)

Lastnight:

Well to start the night off i started on my paper. oh how i hate that paper. I just had to be one of the worst papers i think i have written and well i'll be lucky if i get a C on it. I think this is just my out look on this semester. I big-suck like shit. Anyways after this i went over to James for a little while, which is always a good time. There has only been once that was just retarded, but that was because we had a very serious topic.

Went to class today and we are in the same group for our paper. I think that it was strange to contradict his ideas, but in some exciting. I think it's that i'm finally feeling comfortable enought to just let out my opinion... yeah!

Gather 'round kiddies story time.
Imagine this....
Driving North on West Temple and about 2700 South and there is this dog walking down the street. he starts having a barking conversation with a dog fenced in his yard. well the dog on the street tries to get in the other dogs yard. After about 2 minutes of barking the dog goes to the front of the house and shits on the grass just out side the opening gate. I thought it was just funny how dogs even get back at other dogs.

More later

Alrighty found the song for today... just listen to this...
Song: St. Patrick's Day Artist: John Mayer Album: Room For Squares
Here comes the cold Breaking out the winter cloths And find a love to call your own You - enter you Your cheeks a shade of pink And the rest of you in powder blue
Who knows what will be But i'll make you this guarantee
No way November will see our goodbye When it come to December it's obvious why No one wants to be alone at Chirstmas time
In the dark on the phone, You tell me that names of your brothers And your favorite colores I'm learning you And when it snows again We'll take a walk outside And search the sky Like children do
No way Novermber will see our goodbye When it comes to December it's obvious why No one wants to be alone ar Christmas time
And come January we're frozen inside Making new resonlutions a hundred times February, won't you be my valentine? And we'll both be safe 'till St. Patrick's Day
We should take a ride tonight around the town And look around at all the beautiful houses Something in the way that blue lights On a black night can make you feel more Everybody, it seems to me, just wants to be Just like you and me
No one wants to be alone at Christmans time Come January we're frozen inside Making new resolustions a hundred times February, won't you be my valentine?
And if our always is all that we gave And we someday take that away I'll be alright if it was just 'til St. Patrick's Day
-Can i say typical here. This is why people stay together through the most stressful time of the year. People aren't going to break near Christmas... or my birthday (Jan. 19th) or Valentines day so it's safe to say that you will stay with someone until St. Patrick's Day. I have never been with someone over Valentines day how pathetic... ugh!

had to eat early today because of day-light savings time. My brain thinks 11:30 but my tummy thinks it's12:30... The reasoning behind Day-light savings time is what exactly... i mean it's funny that in the summer we want the days to last longer, but in the winter we want to mornings to come earlier. I just don't understant the system

Weekend update....

Friday
First off a review Iron Monkey- All around funny show. I didn't see the movie it was supposed to be a spoof from but hey it was funny... the whole swear words in English writing... it made me laugh. James was high which was wonderful because he wasn't stressed :)
The Fire Department Well I was being taken home, we pull up in the driveway to my brother-in-law Myke standing out side... Comes up to James's window and says, "you hear those sirens they're coming here. Naomi and Pat got in a big fight..." I say "Shut up you" Myke "No the Chimney caught on fire and there was little sparks going on to the roof. So i called the fire department." James got blocked in by the police cars and fire trucks so we watched to hussle and bussle. He didn't stay for long.
Kinko's I realized that i needed to get something for my carving on Saturday... so i headed to Kinko's at 1:15ish in the morning. hot guys at Kinko's... this is all i have to say

Saturday
Car Ryan came over and tried to fix my car. The funny thing is that we washed it first and i got him dripping wet with water. It made me laugh. I needed something to laugh about this weekend. The funny thing is the check engine light was on in my car and all we did was take off the little plastic thing that covers the engine and off went the light... how crazy.
Mixed-drinks My mom and Myke were mixing drinks all night. I sent Ryan home because we know what happens when i get drunk. After drink 2 comes the onset of Stephanie 'want some' stage... so i quickly rushed to drink 3 which is Stephanie sleepy stage. Went to bed

Sunday
Hang-over I have only had a hang-over once before and this was my trip to Chicago. My stomach hurt for about 4 or 5 hours. UGH!
Star Wars the orginal My first time watching the first part of the Orginal Star Wars. We got into the first 20 minutes and well i didn't really see the rest from there. (if you catch my drift)

As far as today is concerned i have learned one thing...
Don't stop and talk to ex-boyfriends in the union The following things happen (in no particular order)
1- you have meaningless conversation about the weather and grades
2- start the personal questions about if they are dating anyone new. I answer comes back no and then...
3- you realize how much you loved that person
4- Why did the two of you break it off?
5- how much happier you were with them than you were alone
6- Why you really did break it off and how it will never work if you got back together
I guess it just was a trip down memory lane.. and well i don't really like remembering the past... hmm

I forgot...

Song: That's What The Lonely is For Artist: David Wilcox Album: Big Horizon

When i get lonely ah, that's only a sign
Some room is empty, and that room is there by design
If i feel hollow- that's just my proof that there's more
For me to Follow- that's what the lonely is for

Answer to the question....
A man must elevate himself by his own mind, not degrade himself
This mind is the friend of the conditioned soul, and his enemy as well
-Bhagavad- Gita VI:5

Guilty
blameworthy, reprehensible, ashamed

I guess it's just one of those things. I mean we aren't in a relationship and well for some reason it appears as though we are. Neither of us are technically dating other people. And it feels as though we are in a relationship. With those that i've talked to, the fact that he doesn't want to hang out with me and his friends at the same time. He says that "He doesn't feel comfortable being himself around me" WTF is that supposed to mean. I mean if i were a normal person i should take a high offense to that, and the fact that i want to take the blame just pisses him off. He want's to be the reason at fault and well i think it's deffinately mine. I feel like i force him into things... i force him into conversations... i force him to be with me. It's the fact that I think he's creating time for me, and if this is the case i don't want to be made time for. I need attension, and well i like touch.. if this is any indication to the type of person that i am and if you think that we are just not right for each other email (smiliesteph@hotmail.com) I've tried to give him space, and well... he's depressed and how can i fix it. I want to make it so that everything that hurts him, hurts me instead. for i can handle pain for him if it would help. The sad thing is that this depression come with most guys that date me, i don't fucking understand it. They feel as though they have to change for me, and i don't want that. I hate that people know that they are doing that to make the other person happy. And i understand, i think, that everyone does this to an extent but it's not a thing that people notice. It's not something that friends come up and say "You are not as happy as you used to be" and there is only one thing that has changed in there lives was dating me... was having feeling for me. And if James "love me like one of his friends" he will never truely love me. And thus is the reason why i feel kind of used... the sad thing is that James thinks he's doing it too.

UGH!

I starting to think that i'm just fucked up, as far as relationships go. I need to talk to someone... someone who either has been in a relationship were this has happened, as did the same thing and knows how to fix it.

i think that i messed up a good thing

Alright things have just gotten fucked up... sorry about the end part of my post i don't know what happened but i need to figure out how to fix it...

An abnormal day so far...

I awake and think, what the hell i have to take the bus... ugh! So i walk down to the bus stop and well it wasn't that bad. Mind you this was my first time on Utah's Mass-Transit System. And to be honest it suprised me. A voice from above my head kept saying street addresses and for some reason it was soothing, so soothing it made me think that i had to take a nap. While in part sleep i hear 'University of Utah Business Loop" I awake to pull on the thin metal line that some how makes it so that a 'stop requested' light pops on. I get off get some coffee and call my experience... just that... an experience.

I was suprised that James didn't offer to take me to school. I would have denied, but that's not the point, it's the principle of the thing. Luckily Brooke was outside my class and i asked to get a ride from her. It will not be this easy on M/W/F though. But i might get lucky.. you never know.

Something i hate
The new MSN home page, can i say nasty. I would almost go to the extent of trying to avoid it at all costs. I personally have made my home page go straight to

Bring another one on from Whiskytown :)
Song: Don't wanna know
Don't wanna know why you like me i don't care
Don't wanna know why I walk by and you stare...
Don't wanna know how your feeling i don't care
Don't wanna know when you need my i'm not there
Breath in Breath out
Carry on Carry out
Try to never say goodbye

For some reason this song is applicable... hmm

So i didn't really go out last night. I slept and slept and watched some tv then left at about 8 for an hour and came back. Meanwhile i was avoiding people like the plague... sorry everyone that called i just wasn't in the mood to talk.

As i date more people my list gets longer of what i want so far it's more about along the lines of what people haven't done that lead me to this longer list.
1- likes taking me out. I enjoy going to the plays, i love getting dressed up, I love getting ready (this doesn't happen often so when i do it's loads of fun)
2- comes over out of random. Doesn't tell me that he is coming over just shows up, assumes i'm home and just talks to me for a little while
3- understands that i don't like to go places alone
4- Gives me a hug because i have a bad feeling... or a feeling of being alone
5- Wears button up shirts **1**
6- Helps me when i'm willing to ask for help. And asks if i need help even though i don't want it.
7- Leaves messages
8- Asks what is wrong when i have a different tone of voice than normal
9- Enjoys music. Perfer College Rock **2**
10- Is willing to commit. **3**
11- Loves the rain. By this i mean just the sound. **4**

Some thing funny
I was driving on 7th East when this car with an old man driving pulls up behind me. The funny part is that he had a little animal as his hood ornament. I was thinking that maybe he thinks that this animal he has would talk back. Do you remember the movie Gremlins and the little gremlins on the movie, that is what this animal looked like. I had to do a double take.

Tonight
I have a date with the books. I think i'll head up to the library and really get some work done. If i do it at home i don't really get anything done, because i end up watching tv or talking on the phone or going out. this is just what happens... arg!

Anyways i don't really know why i write this anymore. I mean i know that there is people that read this, and many by the fact of how many emails i recieve, but hey just let me know how you guys are doing. I usually just like to here what people are just up to. Rather than most things envolving my blog.

Thanks

**1** I know that this is all out of looks and doesn't really have context in the rest of my blog, but what the hell... i like buttoned button up t-shirts. I just think it's sexy and well sexy is good
**2** I have only had one boyfriend that listens to the exact same type of music that i do, and well it was wonderful. There was no thought envolved and for some reason he made one of my favorite mixed-tape that i have ever owned
**3** I guess this is more leaded to the situation i'm in now where love isn't really shared back and forth. I think that i just like the classification of girlfriend
**4** have you even noticed that when you are in a relationship with someone that sound and smell of rain is just wonderful, but yet when you aren't with someone it almost seems as though it makes you depressed

I'm in a kissy mood... teehee. It's a shame no one here at work is worth doing so. I should probably not go out tonight if you catch my drift

obsession
craze, fetish, fixation, mania phobia
One person has become this and well i don't like it. Now i understand how people get angered by this.

Song: Don't be Sad Artist: Whiskytown Album: Pneumonia

And thus is what today is focused on :)

Answer to the question....
To change one's life:
-start immediately
-do it flamboyantly
-No exceptions (no excuses)
*William James

Yesterday i hit breaking point in my life and well things have to get better...

What am i supposed to think here... okay you need a situation so here i go...
(edited on 10-29-01 thought this situation was no longer relavent)

God Damn i can't do this anymore.. I'm going home and hopefully i will be able to go out somewhere... tonight. i think that i might just go insane in about 5 minutes if i stay here any longer

I think i'm going to be sick... i have just found out that there is hardly any money in the accounts at work and well i think i really do need to find a new job.. please help me

Song: I will not thake these things for granted Band: Toad the wet sprocket Album: Fear

I love the sound of early 90's music. hmmm. I hate 80's music. I guess there is just a thin line between the two.

If i fully explained the weekend you would understand why i am questionable about being used... but i don't really want to be put in that mind set any more.

life is getting slowly less stressful with is always a plus. I have got the most important assignments out of the way so far and well this is always a plus. I wish that i did better in some of my class though.

Answer to the question...
We learn wisdom from failure much more than from success;
We often discover what will do, by finding our what will not do;
and probably he who never made a mistake never made a discovery.
-Samuel Smiles

USED?

I have to go to the dentist... god damn. i hate the dentist and well i have no idea why i guess it's just one of those things.

Better news: I'm going to Moab :) it's freezing down there, and well i'm excited. But if it doesn't go down i'm still okay with it. I'm going with James. Good idea? Yes i think so. i love spending my time with him :)

Getting drunk two days in a row is not good for my tummy. Last night i didn't really eat dinner and well getting drunk on an empty stomach leads for pain in tummy in the morning. Not really a hang over because i'm not grumpy... or headachey... or achey in general. My tummy just hurts. anyways.... Will continue with the norms at a later time.

I feel so much better. and well i have no idea why

I save your messages just to hear your voice...
You always say your name like i wouldn't know it's you
And your most beautiful
-REM
Anyways...
Song: Castles In The Air Artist: Don McLean Album: Classics
I'm asking you to say my last goodbye
The love we knew ain't worth another try...
I know i'm weak but i can't face that girl again
Tell her the reasons why i can't remain
She'll understand if you'll tell it to her plain...
I'm city born but i love the country life

When was the last time you ever heard about Don Mclean? I mean this was a wonderful artist. I might have to break out some Cat Stevens or Neil Diamond. These people knew how to write lyrics. They are poetry put to music... truths, hard to come by this day and age.

Answers to the questions...
Let there be more joy and laughter in you living
-Eileen Caddy, God Spoke to Me

My mom was mixing drinks last night. Talk about one drunk Stephanie. Tried calling James at the begining of the night, but he never called back. Then i thought it wouldn't be a good idea to call up the other two because i know what happens when i get drunk, and well i didn't want to regret anything... so me and my mom got drunk. It was funny.
Heather called and informed me of married life. And how she just loves it. I personally would go crazy right now if i were married. It's funny because Heather is Mormon and for all those that don't know, this religious sect isn't supposed to do anything 'fully' sexual prior to marriage... Anyways so she was just trying to get some pointers on somethings just because i'm sure i've been doing this stuff longer than she has. It's funny because she's afraid oh Matt's penis... teehee.
Got a letter from Austin the other day :) he decided that he needed to preach to me about how much he loves church. I told him that at no time soon was i planning on becoming Mormon and said that i wanted to hear about him... not about church. It bothers me because he knows my take on religion... it just makes mu frustrated i guess. It's almost like when i was reading his letters it was as though i was almost going to vomit. I hate that.
In other news. I might be going to Moab this weekend :) So i think that i should write my other paper tonight. I have to change my Saturday class to this afternoon again this week, but hey i'll deal. I love camping... i think it's just because you end up smelling like a camp fire when you come home.

I just noticed that people can't see facial expressions over the phone... teehee they don't know that i'm mouthing for them to Fuck off. It's just this guy calls and he is so proud that he go the first mask of the champion (the one on the top is the Champion). For all those wondering what the hell is it that i do.. i sell this shit. Look through the page... it's not interesting... i wish it would all burn. It would actually be better for the company.
Anyways that was just my insite before i left for today

Boy do i have a funny story about my old roommates...
i have just called the answering machine down there to see if anyone had called for me, and there is this message on the machine that was just stating that the owner of the house was going there. So i call and talk to Karen. She says that they were throwing this big old party and well there was all of these underagers and a whole shit load of alcohol and 'e'. So need less to say everyone in the house was arrested a total of about 25 people. So the owner went over there to look the place over and decided it would be best to just get everyone out of the house, except Audrey (for all the rest of the roommates didn't sign a lease) I personally find life works in strange ways. But very funny ways :)

Dashboard Confessionals at Kilby Court on Nov. 17th... thought all should know

I need a distraction...

I'll have to put in the song later for it's in the car and well i can't quote it if it's in the car. I have to be listening to it at the same time. That's just how the system works. Even though i have an extremely good song going on the radio right now. it's actually Ryan Adams it's titled The Bar is A Beautiful Place it's on the Side 4 which is the 2nd disk to his 2nd solo album. For those that follow Ryan Adams good for you. I do wish that Whiskytown would get back together so that they could tour though. Shucks.

Anyways so last night sucked. I guess most of the day i was trying to get some homework done, then i'd get distracted, than i'd try to go back and well it was impossible. I found myself unable to focus at home and so i thought okay i'll just go to the library. Head over there were i just ended up falling asleep. So i go back home, i figured i'd rather fall asleep at home. Than James called so i asked if i could go over there and do some homework. He says that i would be 'too much of a distraction' (taken as a compliment) and for no reason at all right when i hung up the phone with him i started crying. I honestly couldn't think of a rational excuss to do so. So i got in the car and went over to Dad's. Right after i got there Amy arrived also. So i took my crying to being overwhelmed, and well it was probably the truth. I am overwhelmed and i guess this is just a hint that i shouldn't hold off on doing my homework. I still am frustrated though. I have so much to do.. it's crazy. Fuck school. I'm actually starting to hate it. (do not be alarmed i do this every semester at about this time... mid-terms eat away at my sanity, so right after i have to take a break from everything and spend a day not concerned about anything. This is just a process.)

Ryan Adams came out with a new album... god damn. Why didn't anyone inform me of this? i guess it's just one of those things you keep all secret... WTF oh well. But hey i must go buy it now. Maybe i will leave work early and do that then :) Teehee

Song: Comfort Band: Athenaeum Album: Athenaeum

And if you ever feel uptight
I'll make you wholesome and I'll make you right
And if you even fall on your knees
Give me comfort in a bottle please

A wonderful album put out by Athenaeum... number 2 though. If you all remember they had orginally come out in the mid-90's with Comfort as there 'hit' song. But they never made it the first time around. Now the song is remixed the voices cound better. All in all a better quality.

Anyways... the answer to the question...
Thoughts are like boomerangs
-Eileen Caddy, The Dawn Of Change

I was sad... then i was happy... now i am still happy. (for all those who has just had something that they have been wanting... you would understand)... This has not changed things :)

Teehee i have finally figured this shit out :) After all the things promised... i finally got around to figuring the little code things out. The funny thing is that i had no idea about computers other than email. Now it seems as though i understand teehee. alright now lets have some fun... exmple will i could direct you to many a sites now.. those that are interesting and those that aren't so interestering for one thing... <

New Layout... what do you think?

Song: 72 Hour Daze Band: Taxiride Album: Imaginate

Dreaming of a better place to wash away the pain
So i can fly away
Now this song was played at a first kiss about 1 month... month and a half ago. Weird shit that you remember... only that it was track four on disk 2 (which when i took out my cd's that time it was taxiride... the rest i already told)

Funniest phrase of the weekend... if i had a red racey sweater it would be that one. Mind you this was made while Chris and i were looking through a J. Crew magazine in the 'gals' section, compaired to a man's body... it was just great fun.

And now for the weekend...
Friday
Didn't i already go into this... i think so

Saturday
Well after the study group i found myself at a state that to say the least was boring. So after i agree to watching Kyler and Katie while Myke and Amy went to the WAKE, i found myself border line scary... so i made a phone call. Knowing the James wouldn't watch kids with me... called Chris. Well we played cards, drank beers, go on the net (that was just interesting in general) And basically just hung out for awhile. For all concerned there was no hankey pankey... hell we haven't even kissed... my heart is in other places....
Anyways

Sunday
Now this was just a day for major sleeping in (i'm talking 11:30 sleep in) which made me kind of grumpy and very easy to have my feelings hurt. Thus is why when James came over i just felt weird. Last night i helped him study. We really did study, which was great for james. He stayed for awhile longer and talked with my mother about Sci-Fi movies. Can i tell you how happy my mom was to have someone to talk to about sci-fi's with. It made me laugh. Semi-confused but laugh nonetheless. She likes him and i think it's cool.

I need to focus and do some homework. I have been slacking off. Keeping my grades up but slacking off. I probably will get a 2 A's, a B and a C which is fine. I'm sure i'll do well. I have a take home due on Monday, and a 6-7 page paper due on the same day. Not to mention this half outline shit put on by my writing instructor. Sometimes i wonder why the school board makes this class manditory. I have never just talked to people more in my college carree than in that class. it's an hour and half long and a good hour is spent making chit-chat with the people sitting next to me. (need-less-to-say this is the class i will probably get a B in, the C is in History, and the two A's are Math and Ceramics... how do you not get an A in Ceramics)

I like ice cream

Hi there... it's the weekend and oh how i love it. This morning i didn't have to awake until about 8:15 which for me is late... you know it's bad when late is a quarter after eight. Anyways went to ceramics were i basically learned about different types of clay. The sad thing here is that it's probably going to be things that she will test on and i (or anyone else in that class for that matter) brought a note book to class.

Lastnight went out... it was different than before, which is always good. The night ended around 11:30 and to be honest neither of us wanted what we would normally do... :) I guess it's one of those things were it was universal which doesn't happen often.

Any one know of any good jobs in the Salt Lake City Area? Let me know (smiliesteph@hotmail.com) I hate this bull shit. I got a lot of feelings released lst night so i'm not as angry as i was. it's always good to talk things out.

But as the day has turned out i think that i want to just sit around... veg out and have a good time. If anyone other than James calls i don't think that i will leave the house. Why is that? All of the kiddies are coming over (Jackson, Elisa, Kyler, and Katie) which will make stress on me and my mom.

Anyways right now i'm up at school waiting for a study group for my take home... i hope i do well.

bankrupt takes on a new meaning.

Now need a new job.

need to start spending less.

maybe i should take the bus. it would cut down by about $20 a week... no coffee another $20... no more buying new things...

Song: None in particular Band: Red House Painters Album: Songs for a blue guitar

Answers to the questions...
Love is a space in which all other emotions can be experienced
-Robert Prinable

So all the questions have been about one thing in particular... hmm

Anyways i have to watch Amy's kids for a little while tonight... i wish someone would come with me though. Have you ever just had one of those days were you just needed a hug... this is today.

I was going through some Journals of people back in the 1850's in New York and i don't understand why they always wrote down the weather. It's partly confusing to me. i mean these are people that thrived on Capitalism with no ties to farming... why is it that they are concerned with the weather. It was odd to see how younger men in the time period acted though... as compaired to men now. They seemed to be just all grown up with no place to go. And well now it's that men want to still act like children. I don't know i guess things like this just interest me... thus is why i should go into history.

LASTNIGHT... mmmm... I didn't realize it at the time, but i did set that one up by a conversation... i actually thought it was funny. I loved the pushing... (to most this wont make sense... but to me it does and that's all that matters) I want to get dressed up for him. I found out that i make him think he's is a better person.. I don't think that anyone has really said this... what does this mean (I do not know and nor do i want to read into anything here, i should just take it how the statement was and nothing more)... mmmm (now this mmm is one of those ones that sit in the back of your mouth and is just content... happy... )

Next door there's an old man who lived to his 90's and one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife she stayed for a couple of days and passed away
i'm sorry i know that's a strange way to tell you that i know we belong
Then i know that i am... I am... I am the luckiest
-ben folds

Sitting in my office... laughing my ass off... go here

http://thegirlyounever.nu/karah/

This has got bad written all over it. This girly is obsessed. This is what i get for checking out blogger... (10 most resent blogs)
I think that this is just all sorts of funny. So many pictures of teeny-bopper males... teehee Poor child.

Song: Freddy Jones Part 2 Band: Ben Folds Album: Rockin' Suburbs

This is just a sad song... i don't know why i chose it but i guess it's just one of those things..
You get off someone else can get on
And i'm sorry Mr. Jones it's time...
all of these bastards have taken his place
He's forgotten but not yet gone


Well everything's out in the open and well i still feel guilty... oh well maybe it's time to just cut some loose... I guess this just comes with somethings.

The one i love is the one i want to be with!

I guess that's how it will just have to be.

Anyways off the subject. Answer to the questions....

The most effective way to achieve right relations
with any living thing is to look for the best in it,
and then help that best into the fullest expression
-J. Allen Boone Kings with All Life

I drank.... I got drunk... I was happy :)

Not much to say today...

heartburn.... ugh!

I would not be happy if i were to die right now. Normally this wouldn't be the case, but my insides feel like they are going to explode. I haven't done something that i've wanted to do for about a month, and well i wouldn't like to end life in social term oil... arg!

Lately it's been really hard to focus. I think it's just that i'm thinking about something else and well it's not the best thing to be thinking about... but i'll deal i always do.

So what the hell if i'm 'dating' one person... and be 'infactuated' with another... might as well 'date' another person. Maybe that was a little too forward... but hell that's what i'm thinking about. The person that i want to be exclusive with doesn't want to be with me. The person that i should have nothing to do with wants all to do with me... and the other person... well he's a different story. The funny thing is.. is that they all now know... even though i was trying to keep it on the lay low. If any of these people come to this lovely site they could probably figure out which was which just by how i act around the them. So i guess it's half way in the open now. Let's just leave things how they are now and i'll figure things out in November. (taken from a conversation with the second well third depending on which thing i'm talking about... for November is when things will start picking up as far as one person is concerned) I'm i making sense? HELP ME!!! (smiliesteph@hotmail.com)

I've honestly never been more confused as far as men are concerned... is this what is supposed to happen?

Song: Sell My Clothes, I'm off to Heaven Band: Save the Day

If i could only see you now for about an hour
give me just a minute
just to ask what does he have that i don't have?

Answer to the question...
If one desires a change, One must be that change before that change can take place
-Gita Bellin

I have gotten myself into a messy situation. That, lets just say, leaves me in a moral problem... and leave it at that. * any questions on the matter email me... smiliesteph@hotmail.com, but i can't really go into detail here... )

Anyways so yesterday the whole fam-damnily came over. It was nice to see them but not necessarily all the kids in one area. I guess it's made me think how i would actually like a family. I know a person of my age should not be thinking about family or even any sort of relationship right now, but this is just part of my life... part of my situation. Yeah it's just Pat and i not married... not really starting our lives. Pat at least has gotten into his major. I on the other hand am just leaving 'kismet' to play in my life. Maybe something will happen.... maybe. Well i got to the extent yesterday were i couldn't handle being in the house... made some phone calls, froze my ass off, and ended up at home. Even though toward the end of the night i couldn't fall asleep... made some more phone calls to those that are more prevalent. And then around 1:30 finally fell asleep.

The week from here out will be busy. i tell you the first days of the week are the relax days yet the more stressful, then toward the end of the week is when the action is, but less stressful... well stress in other ways. (also dealing with my problem)

Well maybe i'll go into a little later. But i'll have to be very ambiguous...

So i guess it took a little while longer than i thought... but when your mom comes into work and has a fight with my dad and askes you to go home with her... you do.

Anyways it' cold out side and well i do actually like it. It snowed on the mountains and well that seems to make all happy. But i think it's a little hard to focus right now... so i'll fill all in tomorrow.

Song: A long December Band: Counting Crowns Album: Recovering the Satellites

I guess the windter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And it's been a long december and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't rember all the times i tried to tell myself
To hole on to these moments as they pass

i honestly really like Counting Crows... they deffinately are rainly day music, and well it's raining like... stuff.. outside. ( i couldn't think of something interesting)....

I'll write more later...

People i miss.....
Kat- she's in Cali and well she used to be dating my brother. To be honest i wish that they were still together
Chris- he was a good friend and a wonderful person to talk to. Very easy to talk to musically for he knew more than i so it was much easier than the average person
Dereck- What happened here?
Katie/ Heather/ Brooke etc.- these are the misc. friends that haven't really been around much but i talk to them every so ofter
Beans- after Jed died we have never been the same, maybe it's because he remindes me of Jed... i don't know
Austin- he was the person that was just around. When neither of us had things to do that was just the person you would call
The banished friends- yes they were divorced but hey i still miss them nonetheless
Old roommates- i should call them, they were so interesting :)
Dr. Dan Jones- how do you miss a professor... you just do. He's my favorite. i need to ask him if he is teaching any classes next semester and if i can get into them.
Well this is about all... well not really i could go off on how i don't see my ex's enough or how i miss all the people that have made an effect on my life, but who want to hear about that... no one.

The word i've been using lately...
big-suck-a (not like a sucker... but like that sucks... a...) I think it's funny because people think i'm saying one thing when in reality i'm saying something different... i love making up words. I think it's fun

Song: A Lifetime Band: Better Than Ezra Album: Closer

and you move like water
I could drowned in you
and i fell so deep once
'till you pulled me thru

So i bought this album this weekend and well this is just the song that i was reminded of... and well i like it. Even though it maybe about death oh well. I love BTE a wonderful new album put out by them :)

The answer to the question....
Men are disturbed not by things that happen.
But by their opinion of the things that happen
-Epictetus

Anyways so i'm in class today talking about Thoreau and to be honest i find it funny that he talks about only surviving on necessary items. Yet at the same time he's going to Emerson's all the time because he's bored and lives out in the woods. And he eats dinner there (luxury) and then his family brings him cakes and things (yet another luxury) For a man that said that you could live off beans he sure is using high selling items. Why is that people either believe in the Market Economy or hate the it. We wouldn't be here if there was not a market. Hell we wouldn't have anything we do today. i was having a discussion in my head last night (now this is the time right before i go to bed and contemplate the mysteries of the universe) about how we, as Americans, don't produce the food we eat, the clothes we wear, the things we use for entertainment. To be honest the only thing that i could think of that i produced was energy. and this is just energy that i use to survive. The twenty-first century is crazy... crazy i tell you. How can people go from total farming (independence) to a Market Economy (dependence). And this folks is what my paper is about :) well actually it's just how Americans have gone from independence to dependence.

Yesterday... hmmm

Yesterday had to have been one of the best days of the week. The most fun day, and the most exciting night :)So i went to Lagoon... oh wait quick story prior to this. My mother made Roast hmm, my favorite. I slept in most of the morning and then washed 3 cars in about 2 hours, i was loads of fun. I love washing cars. Anyways so i went to Lagoon was scared shitless more than once and had a hard time screaming on some of the rides. Oh but there are 2 rides that i will never ride again. But this is for another story. Anyways decided to leave there early as to make it to the liquor store before it closes. Conversation was kind of weird to start with but by the time we got back to my house with the hard stuff we were okay. Anyways we were going to watch Star Wars (the original) but as things turn out it was missing. I went through and read of the more interesting movies and ended up with Labrinth with David Bowe... (now anything with David Bowe in it must be funny even though this movie is the only one that he is known for) Anyways now that we are drunk as fuck we decide that this should get back to normal. I take control and well we are all good. i hate having the control... oh well... if that's how it has to be. Anyways got in bed around 2 which was a plus. But the strange thing here is that i had the worst sleep. To start with my neck hurts like a motherfucker and well every time i would roll over i thought that i was going to hit someone and then when i didn't it made me sad....

Today is the last warm day that Salt Lake City should have for awhile which is good yet bad at the same time.
Good because i get to wear my coat. I love this coat. it's double breasted, charcoal gray, and goes down to my knees. Also good because of sweaters and gloves and comfy clothes like that. Also there is fires... fires in the basement... cards with the family... hot coffee when you are cold.
Bad because it's cold. I hate to be cold. I can't sleep with the window open anymore and well this will just make me want someone to be with me all the time. This is what happens in the winter.
Anyways so i took advantage of the outside and layed out for sometime. My face is a little rosy and my arms are a little darker. This is the last of warm days... how sad, yet happy at the same time :)... or :(

I have to go up to the U and get some stuff done....

Hi there everyone... sorry for the delay...

I took a day off of work :) So now i'm at home and well i like it here.

Went out tonight.... well it was great fun... but now i'm home. When i was dropped off i was sleepy, but now i'm not... this is crazy. maybe if i just go lay in bed i'll fall asleep. I should go so that.

The answer to the questions...

There is little sense in attempting to change external conditions,
you must first change inner beleifs,
than outer conditions will change accordingly
-Brian Adams How to Succeed
* this is not Brian Adams the singer... even though i think it would be funny to see that guy have an actually thought provoking thought come out of his head *
Let me quickly tell you about this book i have... it answers your questions if you think about it hard enough. The funny things is that it's usually right. :) I think this should be something i do everyday... that way it will get some goos quotes out on the net :)

I just figured out something that maybe i shouldn't have figured out... shit.... now i'm all just all... there isn't a word to describe the feelings...

I miss James...

------------------------------------------------------
giddy adj
1. feeling unsteady and as if about to fall down
2. causing dizziness or a feeling of unsteadiness
3. not level-headed and sensible, and liable to act impulsively or behave foolishly (dated)

I was told to look this up...

I really have done something stupid. arg!

Song: Frozen Lake Band: Buffalo Tom Album: Let Me Come Over

I'll give up my whole world she a complicated girl...
See she fits to me so easily
I'm borderline most everytime

Why can't men singers write cute love song but put in 'she' for 'he' and have it apply to women?
*the voice that finished my sentences... because that would then make them have to be gay, then you couldn't find the attractive
me- What that's not why i like male singers i like there voice
*the other- You say what you want i'll say what i want....
-this is all not really a conversation in my head.... i promise.

Fear and Loathing Las Vegas I love this show. watched it last night. I find it has so many one liners in it... it's crazy. The last time i watched that show i was with Chris. Well not with Chris it was right after that...

So i need to figure out how to make a good strong-sweet coffee. Any suggestions? (smiliesteph@hotmail.com)

watching Simpson's at 6 and well the best quote it was one of those little short films 'if the cow had the chance he'd eat you too' At least that's how i think it goes...

Yesterday was a day dedicated to laughing and smilie faces... All and all a wonderful day, even though i didn't get to bed until 3:40 something.

well originally today was going to be day 2 or 3 of shit, but then a miracle happened.. and i'm totally happy. I'm excited to get a full nights sleep tonight. And well i've got a shit load of homework to catch up on. i have to head up to the library sometime this weekend and make some more copies of articles. But hey you do what you have to do. Anyways yeah things are good :) I'm just sittin in my office singing along to music with this smile on my face that i haven't had in about a week. :) It's not to say that it's because of any events of the night prior. I'm just saying my out look has changed... i'm all good again :) This post should be dedicated to the smilie face :) :) :) now i know why i named my email address as i named it... smiliesteph@hotmail.com i trust way to many people. I love having conversations with strangers. And well it's just lots of fun to just sit around and have nothing to worry about. I am wearing my favorite Red hoody... and well some favorite Jeans... and so many favorite things today :)

No one get high on themselves

I love music :) big suprise... 'suprise suprise pretty suprise for cinderella' back in the day when disney cartoons were scary. you remember sleeping beauty. That show gave me bad dreams for weeks... hell it still does.

Alright time for a change in attitude... if things are ment to get better than they are ment to. No more being depressed over things that are avoidable... back to normal.
Song: Happier Band: Guster Album: Lost and gone forever.
'cause it's time lose your friends make them go it was never supposed to be like this. They were to weak to prone to break their needs too deep their skin to thin by now you took what was to take tear it apart and start again. So go on if it will make you happier it go tyou this far do what you have to.

I could quote this whole song. the favorite line... 'one more itch you son of a bitch been waisting my time always.'

Seven Eleven has crushed ice today... everyone everyone head there. it's the one of 1700 South and Main... arg! Have i already told everyone how much i enjoy Doritos with Mountain Dew. I tell you they are just ment for each other. Do you think that the companies are related in any way.

Have you ever noticed when you have a slow driver in front of you, you automatically assume it's an old person. Yet when you drive past them it always seems to be like a 16 year old girl... i think it's funny. Girl drivers suck and i will be the first one to admit it.

I'm not in the mood to go through the norms of blogging.... So i'll just jump into what i'm thinking about.

Last night sucked like shit. I feel sad. I tell you i'm not ment to stay in any sort of relationship for longer than a month and a day. this is when i actually think that this person starts to know me, and well it just goes down hill from there. After i got home i found myself drinking to forget everything. To just fall asleep... (to all those that alcohol makes sleepy you would understand) I don't really know what to think. The friends that i haven't divorced are all going to Cali. for Fall Break and well i've got an unbreakable appointment on Friday so i can't really go with them. It's time to make new friends... I need a vacation. this is all pretty much to say i will be sitting on my ass this weekend. Even though i have more homework than i've had the whole semester all due sometime next week.. you would think it was midterms or something... oh it is midterms... teehee.

My head hurts. My heart aches. and me feet are numb...

I'm not in the mood to be at work... i don't know i think i've just gotten kind of depressed... i really don't understand it... i wish i did. I think i'm going to go home now.

There are very many things that i would like to say to you But i lost my way and i lost my words there are very many places that i would like to go but i can not find the key to open the door. The weight of my words you can't feel it anymore. There are very many ways that i would like to break to spell you cast upon me. 'cause all the time i sacrificed myself to make you want me. has made you haunt me. The weight of my words you can't feel it anymore. The weight of my words you can't feel it anymore. There are very many things that i would like to say to you but i lost my way and i lost my words there are very many places that i would like go but i can not find the key to open my door.
-kings of convenience the weight of my words

Song: ------

Anyways so yesterday i went up to the U and did some research... for my paper due at the end of the month. My paper is on Sleep deprivation and how it effects college students. The 4th floor of that library reminds me of strange things.... I do know why it does, but i will not go into any details... it's a great story though. Anyways so the library is a very confusing place unless you know exactly what you are looking for. Then, and only then, will you find it. Because it's a research library everything is catalogized first and then numbered. Do you must know exactly what you want and were you want to find it. Anyways i got a lot done which is always a plus. I learned that all people need sleep, and there are all these stages and geez it was just exciting.

The reason why yesterday was just different was because it spent a good chunk of the day doing production, and covering Aaron's job in the office, doing my own job and well it just go crazy. It lead me to be taking pills which is not good.

Shot down again last night

And the reasoning behind not liking talking to my dad is simple. I feel like i'm two inches tall and any sort of respect that could be there is go to other places. I just feel like shit when i talk to him... oh well. He said that i should talk like my mother... I said well that's my personallity if you don't like it don't talk to me. Then five minutes later he walks back in like nothing happened... what a retard.

As for no song today... i'm in one of those moods, which sucks but maybe things will get better.
I feel at home here
in the middle of nowhere
I will never know the names
of the places i've had to go thru
to reach to coast line

I did have fun last night. very tender times.... until i felt forced than it was just complicated. because well A equals B and well i didn't really want to get to B unless it lead to C and well i know that C is out of the question. Does this make sense?

Oh forgot to tell everyone... i got my test back today. I look at the blue book with red writing all thru it... i was scared to turn to the back page... when i get there... it was an 82% i got a B :) for knowing i wrote a C paper a B is wonderful :)

Work was spent today doing something totally out of the ordinary... working... i'll go into it later.

I don't like talking to my dad... he's making me angry. I hate that angry feeling. So i think i'll go home and sleep it off

Alright it's finally time to admit all these things that i'm thinking about... toward one person, the person that i always say as 'he' or 'us' things along those lines... James...
James is definitely different than most. He also is a giver which is a plus. He understands what i want and even though he can't give it all to me he still tries to give some. He is a nice guy who is just well rounded in a lot of areas. (this taken from an email i wrote this weekend) I'm sure for some reason i could go off for hours on James... I have not given everything i know to him. Even though it would be very easy to fall into this trap. Because he is a good person, who holds a conversation well, who usually understands were i'm coming from. We do get into some messy situations involving mixed feelings toward each other. I wish that i understood that more. But i guess that's just the way things have to work. I admit that when i'm not with him i want to be with him... i find myself missing him from time to time, and wanting him to just lay with me... to hold my hand... to listen to my stories... I find myself falling in love with him again and again... and for some reason i can't tell him about this. James was just sitting next to me out side last night and well i wanted to just tell him then. He kept asking what i was thinking about and for the life of me i couldn't tell him... god knows i tried... but only the word 'nothing' could come out. I admit that this feeling is all at my end... and well i'm alright with that (almost.. i've never been in love with someone and had nothing in return) i know that he cares about me... about my feelings. I just wish this were easier...

Song: Fought and Won One Band: Reggie and the Full Effect Album: Promotional Copy

All that i ever do
Hold me close to you
nothing i'd rather do

Anyways last night had a couple of alcoholic beverages and got in the hot tub... well as things turned out last night was great fun ;) (wink wink) So for my mind wondering into different places yesterday, and thinking things that were not true.... god i wish that i could avoid doing that.

Yesterday i was watching a movie and was reminded of Jed some how... started having problems breathing, got my keys and got in the car. For some reason i was just horrified. I thought of driving up to James, but then i thought maybe he wasn't home. Anyways ended up at Jed grave... who still by the way doesn't have a headstone... fuck!

Alright enough of that depressing trash.. As Dereck has put it, this is not an actual quote i don't really remember.. but it was something to the extent of, 'things said here are things that can't be said face to face' and oh how this is true. I wish that i could tell people what i really think about... including one person inparticular... i wish that i could tell him what i was thinking about... it just comes out better here... hmmm