so we went to the marriage thingy today. and it was alright. ryan seemed to get his thinking out more, but i really don't know if i got where i was coming from. But the real reason why i went was for ryan so i need to pick my battles.

HHGTTG
NPR is having a thingy on HHGTTG. it makes me laugh. i guess there is going to be scenes that they are adding and that they are taking away.
in other news: went to the DMV went through the Drive-thru it took 2 minutes total! YAY!
i'm running on only coffee and i'm wired. i think i need food. blah blah blah. i'm shaking its kind of fun :)

work - good suprisingly
home - good also (maybe i'll get teh ses)
- today was the first day the boss was back. i think it went well. dr. g. has decided to cut amanda's hours back, which makes me happy :) in other news i have lots to do this week
tues- work, get my i/m done on the car
wed- work all day (both jobs)
thursday - DMV (this hopefully will not tak all day)
Friday - work, marriage counselor, HHGTTG, the club
sat - sleep, and work
sun - concert
monday - back to work all day

good today. maybe it will be even better tomorrow :)
work is going well. i only had to work for 2 hours this afternoon. i think tomorrow will be HELL as far as work goes. but maybe home life will be better.

Pushing the reality envelop
some time in the wee hours of this morning i a have figures out a few things
1- Mr NA doesn't love himself
2- i don't trust Mr NA
3-There is no repect coming from either party
4-fucked up past
I finally asked Mr NA if he trusted himself with the ladies (simple question) i got an answer that was 'yeah, but at this moment probably not' i understand in my mind that ryan doesn't sleep around but in the alternate reality that is mostly my mind i have a hard to coming to see the light.
As for other things. Jaden and Crystal and Russ came over last night. i really do like little kids (maybe not for long periods of time) but i do like them. We had a good night, i snuggled on the couch with ryan and played with Jaden and watched the Itailan job (good movie, we own it)
Anyways i'm off to see if i can go back to sleep. i was up until 4am and didn't really sleep the night before.
i have to help Dianne move today (she's using Mr NA's truck) then probably to the video game store, then back to work for Sunday pick up.

Hung out made turkey
i felt so bad this morning because i woke up late and i'm sure woke ryan up in the prosess. Sometimes i wish i had more respect for my husband so that it what i will try and work on next. i seem to have the cleaning thing down, i'm working on the jealousy thing, so now i'm picking something new.... respect.
I think my husband (who i am now Changing his name to "Mr NA") has decided that i am a nosey bitch. now i can say i am nosey which is 100% honest. but i can also say a few other things 1- i get bored and ask him what he's chatting about 2 - once you talk to someone longer than you talk to me i start to ask what you are doing and WTF are you talking about. 3- that online is an alternate reality, you only really let people see the side of you that you want them to see. (I can't fully understand this at the moment, but i know it's there because people act different online then they ever will in the real world).
Mr. NA is a nice guy, but i have a hard time thinking that he even wants this to work. i made a marriage counseling apointment for April 29 at 3:00 i hope he wont change his mind on going. atleast if he goes he possibly thinks that this marriage thing can work out. i'm really just worried. it's hard to sleep now (i know me... hard to sleep... i could sleep all day if i wanted to). i honestly don't know what to do. open for suggestions here!

you know folks it hard to try and think of yourself in a relationship when there is no attraction. i honestly don't even know what to do about it. i don't want sex, i don't want kisses - i don't really want to come home. why would i? i am not needed at home. i'm perfectly fine outside of the home. just not at home or atleast just not with my husband. it's hard to think he even got married in the first place if he wasn't attracted to me. i've been assured that it's not me with this problem and that i'm attractive (or not ugly). there is only 2 or 3 logical ideas of why ryan can't look at me 1- he's having an affair (fine just tell me and i'll try to figure something out from there) 2 - he's gay (which i doubt, but hey you never know) 3- for some reason i make him feel guilty. the thing that bothers me is that i really do love him, and that's it's just not shared.

ryan doesn't find me attractive. hmmm. this could either explain many things or just cause more questions. i can't deside which. i'm actually kind of upset about it and want to talk to someone. Why is no one around to talk to?

i went out with debbie tonight for coffee. it was nice to just talk about things. Her new boyfriend is pretty neat. he reminds me of tuck in the waxing intelectual type that really just likes to argue (debate not fight) he's nice tho. i'm happy for debbie.
as for today - not too good i don't think i've said more than 2 words to ryan. oh well i'm not in that mind set right now.

today went alright. i can't help but keep thinking that my husband would be better off with out me. it makes me sad, but i'm trying to stay optimistic. i love my husband i really do. i just need him to love me too. i look at my husband and i think that he is wonderful. Then he looks back at me with disugst. everytime this happens i smile and pretend i didn't see it.
i'm reminded of a song "so this is odd -the painful relization that all has gone wrong - and nobody cares at all.... -So this is strange - our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance - where nobody leads at all... -Well you'd like to think that you were invincible - Yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt loss for the first time? - Well this is the last time. "
oh and another song by the same band "Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring and I'm thinking awful things and I'm pretty sure that few would notice. And this apartment is starving for an argument. Anything at all to break the silence. Wandering the house like I've never wanted out and this is about as social as I get now. And I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you 'cause they would never do, I would never do."

i hate that i don't know where i stand. and i hate that my husband doesn't share. why does he not want to kiss me? im trying to stay happy. it's just hard some days

good news from job #1. dr g wants me to go full time. maybe than i can quit the shitty ass job #2. but i'll try having the 2 for a month and see what happens
in other news good day today. hopefully it's good tomorrow.

went to the outlet stores today it was fun killing time. in other news next week will be very busy and probably the week after that. hopefully i will have time to blog.

we actually had a good night tonight. Ryan kept himself in line, i kept myself in line... we laughed like we used to. it was great.

i woke up this morning for sex and that was all. this hasn't happened in a long time. i understand that my husband is not really into that right now i just hope he may be in the mode later. or maybe in the morning. it's all i can think about. other than all the massive amount of shit going on with this relationship. this morning tho sex is on the top of the list

i like to drink it's fun
I went to my friend andrea's house tonight. it was interesting to get away from hom, but as it seems i'm not really asking that much. atleast so she thinks. Anyways we watched south park most of the night and i ate manwich (? on spelling) the taste was funky but it was interesteing. i wish that i really liked other food it's just hard to handle sometimes.

Is it normal to have a relationship where you don't feel needed? it's like going to work and your not needed at work so you get a new job. but i don't want a new husband i want him to need me.
alright my husband doesn't need me and would rather be alone. alone. i can't really grasp the aloneness but hey i'll try. i do give him time alone (what i think alone is and what he thinks alone is, are 2 totally different things) on an average day i'm with my husband 3 -4 hours. is that really asking a lot.? am i asking to much? is it a lot to ask for sex from time to time? now time to time is everyday but i never get it everyday - hell i don't get it every week - maybe if i'm lucky every month. i want love/passion/ intimacy... is this asking too much in a man? some days i wish i didn't have to deal with this. somedays i would rather be alone. i'm trying to understand i just can't and nor does my husband want me to understand.
Went to the therapist today she asked " what do i want out of life" my answer i want to be happy at work, in life, and in my marriage." it's not "i want to be happy with my friends" (like ryan would say) it's "why can't he like me more than his friends"
i'm really just trying to make things better - not worse. i'm bringing up issues that he needs to come to terms with, he doesn't - he does something else and pushes what he was supposed to be thinking about aside.

i will keep hounding ryan until he finally lets me in. he says we have some many things that are different. but he doesn't want me to be online (or computer) he doesn't want me to go to concerts with him, he doesn't want me to listen to his music. just an observation.
i just want unconditional love.
i've thought that ryan only let me back into the bedroom because of pity

i've been depressed all day today. usually i can get out of it when i go to work. i love to work. I really can't handle somethings on my own. so i'm seeing a therapist on Friday after work. i'm excited to tell someone else everything i feel. I have a hard time doing this to friends/or family because i feel stupid crying. and for some reason i think that a stranger i wont feel as dumb, well that is thier job. i just can't feel this way anymore and i just need to get it out. i just feel so alone.
i'm reminded of this "[real loss] only occures when you love something more than you love yourself. i doubt you've ever dared to love anyone that much."
i am lost and no one is there to find me.
tally up to 13

during my night of thinking i've tried to figure out where i went total wrong. a while back i joined a forum, of which i understand and can use now. but that's not the point. the thing is that since that day the flags and signs of anger have been very high. i joined this to page to be closer to him, something he liked that i could pretend to like in order for us to have more things in common. i think it all just pissed him off. so i'm not going to do it. i don't understand why it's really interesting, or why this might be so attitive.
i think that sometime in the middle of the night is when i had a breakdown. my mine was running 3000 things at once. i need to talk to someone but no one will listen, nor do i really want them to hear my shit. i'm deciding more and more that an undesided third party is a good idea. so where in the night i came to the conclusion of things i need help with
1- jealousy - it's not just that though. i have a constant fear that ryan will one day have an affair. it's always in my mind. why the fuck is that? i leave him for five seconds and this is what i think of. or he doesn't come straight home from work, also the first things i think of. it's logical in way that just what pops into my head. the real reason is he's at the record store you dumb shit.
2- spirituality - one day i'm down with god and jesus and the other day i'm not.
3- learning communication - (this may require a class of some kind) i at home and work have a problem communicating well. you see i think i 've always had this problem
4- my dad's gay and my mothers crazy - this i don't know if i have a handle on.... so i think i need to talk to someone
5- well shit i'm sure there's got to a real personality behind the fake one, that's right i said it. i have a work personality, a home personality, and an in bed by myself personality and let me tell you the in bed strangest.

there's a song i've been listening to (kind of punk/emo mix)
it kind of talks about how when he was in a relationship and how with everyone one he pick up new thinking. with lines like "maybe you were supposed to help me learn to love you more" and "help me to notice how we're different" differences aren't supposed to be thought of as bad qualities just as people think differently and that makes every person unique. why someone always want to just talk to someone that's just like them. that's what casual friends are for, but do lovers really have to be the same? can they live in the same household and still talk? and what exactly do they talk about?
as far as the first line i pulled out of my hat... i love my husband and in all reality i'm willing to change my bad behavors into good behavors and if that's what conviently makes him happy that's what i'll do. so for the next little while i'm going to work on being jealous, and cleaning. 2 things that take time to break the habbit and take helpful little reminders EVERYWHERE.
the jealousy thing is that really i'm not secure in mine and ryan's relationship so i always think he is going to run off with someone else. get that. when you say it out loud it's pretty fucked up.

the random crying tally is now up to 9 times in three days

i will start this with i am a jealous nazi. i will be the first to admit it. i don't mean to be. i flirt with one person and ryan flirts with other, but the only reason why i flirt in the first place is because i'm trying to make the score even. maybe i should just stop everything all together.
i try i really do. i need some help. i think i'm going to go to a Psychiatrist, one that's covered by my insurance while i still have it.

things better today
i got a very good review from job #2 which lead to then wanting me to work full time. nice. but you know i won't i love my first job much more then i ever will like the second.

life is hard to live today. maybe it will be better tomorrow

alright. so my marriage is going threw the crappers. i've told ryan that until he finds out what bothering him about us that i would sleep in the spare room so that he can have bedtime to himself as well. i can just see myself getting depressed and since i already know this i'm gong to try and get out more alone (which i never do) or get out with friends (which i have none of). i just don't want to be home when ryan's home. i don't want to talk to him, i don't want to see him, i don't want to think about him. it just makes me cry.

my recent thinking.
if you only look at life one way, does it always end up turning out that way? for example if you hate working with someone and you've decided that they are going to piss you off and they do, did they only piss you off because you already thought they would? i know it's deep but what if you just stopped thinking about what someone is going to do and live in the present then will it one day pan out that they won't piss you off? alright i don't understand this question my self, just looking for answers

nothing much new today. this next week i will be working 60 hrs which might just be a bitch. but the next weeks i'm only working 40 hrs so not bad at all, almost too less of hours. for other business i saw Sin City this weekend it was AWESOM! i recommend it and i hate action movies. for other news hitchhikers guide to the galaxy is coming to the theatre in late april and i'm happy.

April Fools:
Later in the day the Doctors daughter puts a plaster dog in a kennel and writes on it's cage card "hit by car - stiff" i see this start laughing and think this could be better, but how? so i grab a towel and wrap it up and lay the plaster dog on it's side. I get some blood that was previously drawn and put it on the newspaper lining the kennel and near the dogs mouth. all you can see under the towel is the dogs nose and what looks like blood coming from it. so an hour goes by and there is a nasty smell coming from where the kennels are. the doctor goes to change the mop hoping that's what the smell was, looks over and says "what is this?" Rips open the kennel you can tell his heart is racing and thinking of what to do. he throws off the towel to find our plaster friend fluffy.
we also have an old client that comes to the clinic and she will probably die sometime soon. so we pull out her chart like she was coming in, put it on the chart holder by the door and lets dr. g. know that there is a client in room 2. he goes over to the holder looks at it say "oh no". the paper reads "elisabeth would like to see you one more time before she dies". he opens the door to find fluffy again on a table. he then takes the chart to the back to show the other doctor. she starts saying things like "has she done this before" and "do we need to call an ambulance" Dr. G. then says "april fools". For the rest of the day when the crazy clients would call it was "are they really on the phone", or "i don't have to do that today to i?" it was funny at the time but abnoxious toward the end of the day.