meow meow meow

really things are funny

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

during my night of thinking i've tried to figure out where i went total wrong. a while back i joined a forum, of which i understand and can use now. but that's not the point. the thing is that since that day the flags and signs of anger have been very high. i joined this to page to be closer to him, something he liked that i could pretend to like in order for us to have more things in common. i think it all just pissed him off. so i'm not going to do it. i don't understand why it's really interesting, or why this might be so attitive.
i think that sometime in the middle of the night is when i had a breakdown. my mine was running 3000 things at once. i need to talk to someone but no one will listen, nor do i really want them to hear my shit. i'm deciding more and more that an undesided third party is a good idea. so where in the night i came to the conclusion of things i need help with
1- jealousy - it's not just that though. i have a constant fear that ryan will one day have an affair. it's always in my mind. why the fuck is that? i leave him for five seconds and this is what i think of. or he doesn't come straight home from work, also the first things i think of. it's logical in way that just what pops into my head. the real reason is he's at the record store you dumb shit.
2- spirituality - one day i'm down with god and jesus and the other day i'm not.
3- learning communication - (this may require a class of some kind) i at home and work have a problem communicating well. you see i think i 've always had this problem
4- my dad's gay and my mothers crazy - this i don't know if i have a handle on.... so i think i need to talk to someone
5- well shit i'm sure there's got to a real personality behind the fake one, that's right i said it. i have a work personality, a home personality, and an in bed by myself personality and let me tell you the in bed strangest.


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