I'm starting pottery classes again starting sept. 7th, not this thurs but next thursday.
Also my friend bobbi has figured out a way to get nicodemous a home. We are going to take her to the yuppie puppie and have her put up on petfinder. with the stipulation that she would have to go a home with other ferrets. So i will call Amanda this afternoon and see what her plan is, or what it could be, i'm thinking she would like her, her cages, her food, the chips... etc today or tomorrow.
I'm sad I miss my babies. my pepper my ferrito and now my nicodemous.

irritated and confused
I have found a ferret rescue for nicodemous. we will bring here there tomorrow then go out to dinner then take her back home. on wed. i will take her back for most of the day then take her back home. Hopefully by thursday she will have friends and we can just leave her there. They say things happen in 3's but i'm sure as hell not ready for it.

Gherkin is sleeping on my chest while i'm typing it is very cute and makes me smile. Ryan bought a new bike and i told my neighbors about it and now they want to take him on a bike trail. i think he will like it.

I've been really depressed lately. drinking a lot, sleeping a lot, and working a lot. what does it all mean?

Ferrito Suave died yesterday and now we have to find a home for nicodemous. it's been a very hard few months with pepper, ryan's grandma, ferrito and nicodemous. I'm sad for her. she only new ferrito for about a year and a half and now has noone. i wonder if i will ever be in the same situation?

Ryan and i have been having physical problems lately. I kicked ryan out of bed. I'd like to say that i cried over the situation, well i have nights before from not being paid attention to (or begging for things),but last night i thought this is what i really want and to not cry for what i want. i'm sure ryan hasn't thought one thing about it, but he's a man. (a man that doesn't act like other men do more like a 85 year old man whose not interested in anything)
I doubt i will get i love you flowers, or any comment unless i bring it up.
I don't think i love him anymore, what's up with that?
i'll write more later.

yesterday i hinted to ryan that i was disappointed in our marriage. i doubt that the point go across it was while i was bitching about have maggot flashbacks in my semi sleep. i slept like shit last night, i'm very very sleepy and i don't want to be here at work today. i think it would be different if i had something to do, but the boss is out of town and i have done so much cleaning i'm ready to just stop!

i'm bored - tired of working - and frustrated....anyone else in this boat?
bored - well it's self explanitory. i do the same thing every day and frankly i'm getting bored. we are going to the free concert at the gallivan center on thursday so that should atleast be out of the norm.
tired of work because i have been here for the last 4 days all day long it seems, and haven't had a day off from here for about 2 weeks well since we went to california
frustrated sexually.... shit happends.

Last night we had our new neighbors over for potstickers, bobbi came over too. we got to stand around drink beer and eat dinner like adults... adults we never act like adults yet ryan says all the time 'i'm too old' we actually had a pretty good time.
next week we are going to the galavin center for some free concert on thursday it should be fun as well. ryan is only 28 and he already thinks of himself as old... i don't understand.

I have just discovered what that we have been in this house 4 years. only 4 years and keep wondering to myself is this all life has for me? i guess not really all i have a very rewarding job, just not a very rewarding home life. what makes a rewarding home life? love? I have love ryan would help me and support me through anything. kids??? do you need to spread your seed to feel like a person? i'm just trying to figure out how to make my home life rewarding. i have wonderful pets and right now we are taking care of a little kitten names gherkin (but that feels like my job not like home) I'm confused.

I went to the ENT specialist for my tonsiles to be removed. it's a short outpatient surgery, but the only bitch of the thing is there is a 10 - 14 day recovery period, no talking, no eating, no working, just laying in bed and eating popsicles. The doctor said i would loose 15 - 20 pounds the hard way, not eating. I would get pain meds, nausia meds, general anesthesia, and general discomfort. The only problem is the insurance cost and loosing so much money from not working. i figure i need to save $2000. I called the doctor and my insurance with 2 weeks out of work. i think i would go crazy in this house for 2 weeks.

Also speaking with my insurance i have found out that my insurance adjuster has made some serious head way with getting them to pay for things. from my CT scan and all fo the doctor bills i've gotten for my thyroid problem i have found out that i only owe about $760 which seems manageable.

In other news i think i'm going to get to cleaning the house and trying to make ryan somewhat happy.

One hell of a day.
i've gotten the worst night sleep, charlie peed on the bed right before bed and it ended up trying to clean things up. then i got up locked th cats and dog out of the bed room and left. got to work and worked my ass off for 6 1/2 hours - probably one of the hardest i've had in a while. now i'm home and seriously sleepy. maybe i'll take a nap. I don't think i'll wake up any happiers or energetic. I feel bad being so grumpy when ryan gets home because he usually tries to be nice to me when i get home.

ryan and i went and saw clerks 2 the other day at the broadway theatre. it was very crass and vulger. i loved it. the end was extra sappy, but you know shit happends.
yesterday i wanted to go on a miss adventure and ended up no where really. ryan is having a Final Fantasy Marethon which means i get to spend most of the time in another room. I asked him last night to come to bed with me, it was early but her did it anyway. he had a plan all along, he took the little tv into the bedroom and layed with me and played video games. it was sweat, in the only way ryan knows how.
tonight is a thank you dinner for bobbi it should be nice to socialize if only for a few hours.

i think a chapter in my life has just closed. it's kind of sad, but not really kind of liberating.
the man i had put all other men in next to (sex, romance, compassion, kissing, conversation etc) is married, with kids, and a home in suberbia.... maybe it's because i would vision his marriage as being perfect and mine as being free and scatterbrained sometimes. i love my husband, my job, my house, and my pets, yet i'm spacie and confused about the hole subject. am i happy without kids? or without a man i hardly knew?
i think the problem is my marriage is worse then when i was dating this gentleman. my husband has little romance. he actually has a lot of compassion(comes with me to the doctor, is considerate, he takes care of me when i'm sick, he will kiss me just to make) , the kisses and sex are few and far between. what i miss about being single is being able to feel the first kiss, because now all of my kissed from ryan are unremarkable. Yet i can remember the first kiss i had with the ex-boyfriend from soo long ago.

alright i'm done only posting when i'm depressed. i need to start posting more when i'm happy... like right now
I'm watching charlie and the chocolate factory on HBO, ryan is at the gay bar with friends, and chatting. it's entertaining actually.
i don't know if we are keeping gherkin yet, she would be nice to have but then again nice to only have the pets we have now. I'm glad that ryan and i aren't those type of parents that just let there pets wonder around the house with out vaccines, being feed, played with, or anti-social. i love that when new people come over the dog is very curious about who they are and angel thinks they are there for her. - i love my pets, they are my kids and the reason why i come home most days.
Ferrito suave is back from the hospital and he's doing much better. he's eating his canivor care food and taking his meds like a trouper

Last week ryan's granny died. we flew to california and it was no fun, but worth it for mourning.
on monday we took ferrito to the er and now he's at his regular vet until thurs. he has cancer... so did pepper and so did ryan's granny. i'm starting to think that we are bad pet parents. it makes me sad, and i don't really want to keep gherkin. i'm sad, and i don't want to loose ferrito too.